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NBA Commish Announces New Over 40 year old, Under 5 Foot League


Tues, Nov 13, 2001


Issue #23


NEW YORK, NY – NBA Commissioner David Stern today announced the launch of a league for pint-sized middle-aged men. Featuring such short personalities as Bob Costas, Marv Albert, and Danny DeVito, the three team league will have a 2 week season taking place during the NBA's All Star Break.

     Stern, himself a short fellow, made the announcement at the WWF Restaurant, with new partner Vince McMahon. According to the duo, the League will have many ‘old school' traits and involve only those players who are either over 40, under 5 feet tall or both.

     "All players will be forced to wear Converse canvas sneakers with optional Dr. Scholes inserts," noted the proud Stern, his man breasts bouncing with glee. Another footwear feature will be the requirement of black knee-high nylon dress socks for all players.

     Play by play for the new league, whose games will be carried on MSNBC and TNN, will be done by Magic Johnson and Arsenio Hall. In preseason games, the two have added little to the broadcasts, simply smiling and grinning with their large horselike teeth throughout each game.

     As far as the player personnel goes, controversy has already begun to swirl around the inclusion of ex NBA-er Muggsy Bogues on the Cleveland Embalmers. "He's a ringer!" noted Harlem Culos point guard Cheech Marin. "He's got a clear height advantage on all of us. If they let him play then they might as well bring Spud Webb into this league!" screamed the angry Nash Bridges star.

     Stern responded to the accusations by throwing hundred dollar bills at Marin and challenging his manhood, in what was believed to be a public taunt orchestrated by Vince McMahon.

     Despite the insults and flaring tempers, most players will have little to complain about during the half time of every game. "We're gonna have them lie on the court while cheerleaders poke and swab them with bengay soaked mops," said a gleeful McMahon. Clearly there's nothing America would rather see than a bunch of gooey glistening old men playing the final half of a basketball game.

Luscious Rosenbaum has been signed by the Utah Jazz, a clear frontrunner in the Commish's new league.

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