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Tues, Sep 25, 2001

Bengals, Browns, Chargers, Bears 
Make Pact "To Not Suck"

by Willy P. Ondabich
Above: The Declaration of Not-Suck-iness.

PHILADELPHIA, PA--  Beleaguered by endless seasons of hapless, embarrassing, futile worthlessness, the Cincinnati Bengals, Chicago Bears, Cleveland Browns and San Diego Chargers have formally signed a "To Not Suck" pact for 2001-2002.

     The document, entitled The Declaration of Not-Suck-iness, was formally drafted, revised and ratified over a 17-day conference in Philadelphia's Independence Hall September 6th-23rd.  It is the first of its kind and will surely break barriers among many suck-plagued franchises in professional sports.

     "O, we do not want to suck anymore, that is the bottom line--so we won't," spoke chairman Cornelius Lightfoot Dillon from the hall pulpit on day three. "Yea, we have been in this shithole far too long, and we ain't going to take it anymore."

     Also participating in the conference were former suck champions Elbridge Seau II of San Diego, Marcus Samuel Robinson of Chicago and Carmen Wythe Policy of Cleveland.

Above (L to R): Timothy Heyward Couch, Marcus Samuel Robinson, Corneleus Lightfoot Dillon, Carmen Wythe Policy, and Elbridge Seau II.

     A last-minute backout was Jake "The Unjust" Plummer, who hastily decided that he still wants to suck very badly.  After numerous rewrites, lots of Philly Cheese Steaks and Dunkin Donuts coffee, the men at long last agreed on the rhetoric which would be the final version of the document.

      Their pact has proven effective so far-- after combining 13-51 last year they've started a 6-2.  "This document is an expression of our collective commitment to not suck; to free ourselves from the shackles of suckiness," said Robinson.  "The Bengals, Browns, Chargers and Bears are now almost--dare I say--'good'."

Willy P. Ondabich
has signed a long term contract with TwistedFans promising that his articles will not suck as bad as the Redskins this year.

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