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Tues, Sep 25, 2001

New Look Anna K. Wins Tokyo Open 


Kournikova breaks nose, wins first ever tournament ... in empty stadium.

by Luscious Rosenbaum

TOKYO, Japan Those who say Anna Kournikova gets by on looks alone will have to change their tune now. The twenty one year-old Russian recently won her first tournament, a rousing 6-1, 6-0 victory against qualifier Judiemarie Fortunato of Bronx, New York. The win was made all the more significant by the fact that Ms. Kournikova was playing with a fractured, and clearly disfigured, nose.

Ms. Kournikova days before "the Accident."

      Kournikova’s injury occurred prior to the tournament, when a tennis ball machine broke her nose. “Dee machine was shooting balls out at a slow speed, maybe twenty mph, and Anna could not keep up,” said her trainer, some guy with a moustache and long Rumanian last name.

      Although doctors did their best, they could not completely re-set the nose to its original configuration. Consequently, Anna’s face looked visibly disfigured when she appeared on Tokyo’s hit morning show “Live with Hello Kitty” at the opening of the tournament.

      Japanese tennis fans, agape in horror at the new Kournikova, stopped buying her calendars. In addition, only a sparse crowd attended her third round match, a victory against local favorite Zheng Fu Zu. It was then that the young Russian decided that winning was the only way to regain notoriety.

“It wasn’t me, it was Ulf Samuelsson,” said Fedorov, when questioned by TwistedFans about whether he had married Anna Kournikova under the influence. (above: Anna after horrible nose disfigurement injury).
      According to sources close to TwistedFans, she employed husband/hockey star Sergei Fedorov, who promptly visited the hotel rooms of each of the remaining star players in the Open: the Williams sisters, Martina Hingis, Lindsay Davenport, Jelena Dokic, and Jennifer Capriati. Upon each visit, he knocked on the door, said “it’s Anna” in a feminine voice, waited for the female player to emerge, and proceeded to smack her on the knees with his hockey stick.

      Left with no one but a few qualifiers to defeat, Anna proceeded to the final round, where a limping Judimarie Fortunato managed to win just one game. While Anna was left smiling, Ms. Fortunato, married to reputed mobster John Gotti Jr., promised vengeance at next year’s U.S. Open.

Luscious Rosenbaum believes that as a teenager he was abused by Anne Heche and perhaps her second personality Celestia.

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