Recommend this Site Masthead Free Stuff

Tues, Sep 25, 2001

McEnroe Relishes New Role As Coach of U.S. Olympic Table Tennis Team

by Luscious Rosenbaum

     Former tennis pro and all around loud mouth John McEnroe is happy for the first time. Yesterday, he began a new life as coach of the U.S. Table Tennis Team that will participate in the 2004 Athens Olympics.

     “This is ridiculous!! That one hit the side of the table!! It’s out!! I saw it with my own two eyes!!” he screamed at the Korean judge presiding over a Table Tennis qualifying round. Regardless of how the scene appears, many believe that it is such tenacity and fire that may be the difference in America’s attempts at beating such Chinese Table Tennis legends as Kong Linghui and Liu Guoliang.

     “It wasn’t easy getting Mac here,” admitted U.S. Table Tennis superstar Todd Sweeris, before quickly being pushed to the side by McEnroe at a press junket. “Table Tennis is a real sport,” said McEnroe, trying to keep a straight face. “It’s like regular tennis, but smaller. I am really enjoying my experience here with the team. Go get me a Heineken Sweeris!!”

     While most attribute McEnroe’s decision to coach Table Tennis to patriotism, TF sources have learned that the former tennis pro is being paid under the proverbial table by Heineken and Rogaine, with whom he has endorsement deals, for the publicity. Nevertheless the player, and the Olympics will be all the better for it.

     At one Table Tennis match, we saw a McEnroe who has become his youthful competitive self again. Replacing a doubles player with himself, he psyched out the opposition with his gift of tantrum. “No fair!! She scratched some of the rubber off her paddle!! She’s cheating!!” he yelled at a female opponent. In fact, he has already been disqualified from one preliminary match for arguing a call.

     “The judge was wrong. I didn’t hit the ball into the net. I don’t care if he had his nose resting on the edge of the table directly in front of that little net. I was able to miss huge nets in real tennis, I’m sure I got that little ping-pong over that little net.” Suddenly, the room grows quiet. It is taboo to use the term ping-pong in table tennis. “I’m sorry everyone. Real freakin’ sorry! You ridiculous steroid-chewing losers!! Eat this Bud Collins wherever the hell you are, you pansy!!”

     Yep, Mac’s back ... better than ever.

Luscious Rosenbaum was a 13 year old Table Tennis Champion.

Email this story to a friend

Most Read Stories

Issue #17


Notre Dame's Touchdown Jesus' Mural Downgraded

MLB Bunt Race Heating Up

New Look Anna Wins Tokyo Open

Bengals, Browns, Chargers, Bears Make "To Not Suck" Pact

2002 NBA Draft: TwistedFans predicts the first 10 picks


Home | Subscribe | Contact Us | Links | Feedback | Privacy Policy
Copyright © 2001 TwistedFans, LLC, ARRAWR.