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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Addressing a crowd of nearly 3,000 fans and a throng of local news reporters at a planned Redskins rally in downtown Washington Sunday, Daniel Snyder said that he had "very big news" for the championship-hungry sports city. At this point he turned the mike over to his 12-year-old, ADD-suffering nephew, Brian. The glazy-eyed kid then cleared his throat, and began to speak.
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| Brian Snyder, chillin' before football practice. |
"Ladies and gentlemen, I can prove to you that this year's Redskins will win it all! In my Dreamcast 'NFL Blitz 2001' game, I made the 2001 Redskins really awesome," Brian stated. "In LSCM (Limitless Salary Cap Mode), the Washington Redskins start Marshall Faulk, Peyton Manning, Tony Gonzalez, Randy Moss, Eric Moulds, placekicker Olindo Mare- - I don't really need him, though- - and this phat backup quarterback Bart Starr from the All-Time Greats team. Plus, I have 24 different types of taunts, a non-injurable Fred Taylor to platoon with Faulk, and, oh yeah, the entire Baltimore Ravens' defense... Any questions?"
The fans stood in agape-mouthed astonishment.
Brian then continued to note that the Dreamcast Redskins have compiled a 57-0 record over three versions of the 2001 season, a record which includes three Super Bowl victories.
Like waxing poetic in the sultry afternoon, the speech suddenly drove the Redskins' crowd into a state of frenzied delight. The proud elder Snyder, taking the podium back, exclaimed, "Now, now folks...I know this is truly awesome news. I expect this team to win not just one Super Bowl, but dozens, perhaps scores, of Super Bowls this year. Never again will I have to hear the words 'f(expletive)ed salary cap' thrown in my face again."
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| Marshall Faulk, on fire, in a Skins preseason exhibition game. |
Elaborate and intricate plans for capitalizing on the Redskins' inevitable success have already gotten underway. Beginning on September 4th, Snyder will keep FedEx Field open to the public eighteen hours a day throughout the regular season. There, fans will watch Brian's video games on two tall Diamond Vision screens. Brian, playing the video games from the 50-yard line in the Redskins' "Dream Booth™" will regularly dress in a Plastisheen NASA astronaut outfit and don oversized Top Gun-style aviation goggles. Snyder plans on keeping the preteen on a steady diet of Pixie Stix and No-Doz pills until February. Tickets cost $50.00 per person upon each re-entry into the stadium.
As for the real Washington Redskins, well.....they have been practicing quietly and lazily all summer long in FedEx Field's nearby training bubble, and, "until further notice", will remain there.
"I am a bit worried that I haven't heard anything about a preseason schedule or anything like that, yet," complained Coach Marty Schottenheimer from the practice bubble Monday. "My players are starting to get concerned, plus Mr. Snyder hasn't shown up at camp...hey, shouldn't we already have helmets and uniforms and playbooks?"
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| Cool, calm, collected: Daniel Snyder. |
Brian said that his uncle "doesn't know a damn thing" about playing the NFL Blitz game himself. Uncle Snyder lost 25-6 to the computer Cowboys in an exhibition game last Tuesday, whereupon he heard it from his nephew: "Geez, Uncle Danny, you suck! I can beat you with both my eyes and arms tied behind my back!"
"When it comes down to it, I want to win, and winning is the bottom line," concluded Snyder at the monstrous pep rally, slickly decked out in a "Dreamcast: 'It's Thinking!'" windbreaker. Assuring the fans and local media of multiple Super seasons, Snyder promised: "To quote my nephew Brian, the Washington Redskins will be 'the shiznit' in 2001-2002."
Willy P. Ondabich has lost 3,756 consecutive games to K-Cebo Satashi at NFL Blitz 2000. |
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