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LUBBOCK, TX — Numerous members of the Lubbock community claim that super-agent Scott Boras ran over five innocent bystanders while pulling out of a Denny’s parking lot, where client Alex Rodriguez was making a promotional appearance. Remarkably, no police reports were filed and none of the victims interviewed for this story voiced a desire to get civil damages from the agent.
According to one victim, Bob Jacobs, Boras has avoided trouble by arranging for Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks to sign the victims to minor league contracts. Hicks at first denied the arrangement, but then conceded that he had in fact personally signed the five to deals that pay them each a $1 million signing bonus, a base salary of $2.5 million, and a clause that would pay an extra $2 million to anyone not promoted to the Big Show within a year.
“I didn’t want to say anything, because it’s a secret,” whispered Hicks. “Scott has gotten me some major big league prospects!! That guy Bob Jacobs, whooeee!! As soon as his broken arm, leg, and collarbone heal, he is gonna make one fine baseball player.”
Jacobs, who was mopping floors at Denny’s a few days ago, will be shuttled to Texas’ Triple-A team, the Oklahoma Redhawks immediately after he recuperates. The other 4 victims, all Hare Krishnas, who had been set up in front of the restaurant, are just hoping to fit in and at least give their new teammates the inspiration to excel. As far as guilt for his actions, Boras has none: “They were in my way, I had places to go... Alex and I were driving to the opening of Tom Hicksville.” Tom Hicksville is the Rangers owner’s new amusement park, where visitors pay lots of money but neither enjoy themselves nor win anything. “There’s good ribs though,” commented Boras.
Butch Rogaine dreams one day of spit shining Boras' alligator loafers. |
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