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Clippers to Draft Iverson's Sperm with Second Pick in NBA Draft

Issue #5

TwistedFans™
A Tangled Web of Intrigue™

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Los Angeles—L.A. Clippers VP of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor has confirmed reports that the team will draft the sperm of Philadelphia 76ers guard and 2000-2001 NBA League MVP Allen Iverson with their #2 overall pick in next week's 2001 NBA Draft in New York City. Iverson's Sperm will be the youngest player(s) ever drafted in league history.  

    Citing a trend towards an increasingly younger pool of lottery picks, Baylor stated: "This is definitely the right move for us at this time. We feel like we should get a head start on other teams, like the (Atlanta) Hawks." Atlanta had reported earlier in the day that they will draft several of Larry Johnson's illegitimate sons, who are now in grade school.

    The Answer's Sperm will be injected into eggs donated to the Clippers by the WNBA's four-time champion Cynthia Cooper. Dr. Iminto Mitochondria, at Houston's Mercy Hospital, will be performing the test-tube and fertilization procedures.

    Darius Miles, the Clips 19-year-old phenom who currently is the youngest player taken with the hightest draft pick --at #3 in 2000, commented: "For reeeaall, I hope he's good at Playstation 2, cause Lamar (Odom) sucks. But I ain't changing no diapers, we'll leave that to Cherokee (Parks)."

     This past year, the Clippers fielded the second youngest team in league history which included three starters who could not even legally purchase alcohol, making the average age of the team an astounding 21. Tomorrow, with the new addition, their average age will drop to 15.

    Upon hearing the news, Michael Jordan stated that he will begin working with a team of Welsh Geneticists to perfect 5 clones of himself to play for the Wizards in the 2016-2017 season. It is also rumored that MJ may again come out of retirement that year to play with himself(ves).

   NBA President David Stern, who has unsuccessfully pleaded with the NBA Players Association to set age restrictions on players entering the Draft, has, in response to the recent developments, asked for his binky.

Staff Writer Satashi hopes one day to donate some sperm of his own.

Agent Master P: "I Will Guide Iverson’s Sperm On the Path to Greatness"

     Allen Iverson’s sperm, set to be selected by the L.A. Clippers in the upcoming amateur draft, may be far from making any immediate impact for any NBA team – but that hasn’t discouraged the sperm’s agent, Master P.

     "I have lots of ideas for the sperm, before they are even used to fertilize any eggs. Me and Nike are going to make a set of ‘prequel’ ads to wet the fans’ whistles." According to P, the sperm will take part in an ad with Iverson, in which he dunks over fellow Nike employee Vince Carter.

Prototype Sperm

"The sperm are gonna be placed on the shoe instead of the ‘swoosh,’" bragged Master P.

     In addition, Iverson’s sperm will occasionally be defrosted to play small roles in various feature films by the Farrelly Brothers (There’s Something About Mary II) and the Coen Brothers (Sperm Simple). "The Supreme Court says that life doesn’t begin until viability – well we’re gonna show that sperm can be economically viable before they even become a fetus!!" bellowed a visibly crazed Master P.

By Luscious Rosenbaum