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Tell Me It's a Typo

You may remember me venting my dislike of UPS. You may even have felt I was a bit unfair. For those of you who do not agree that UPS is an utterly inept service (at least for the receivers point of view), I offer exhibit A...

Although I have a deep personal hatred of UPS and request USPS whenever possible, the choice was not given during a recent purchase. Since the item is rather unique, I have little choice but to accept my fate and play UPS Russian roulette again.

Yesterday, the first UPS InfoNotice arrived. Following the instructions, I logged on to their website and requested my package be held at the not-so-conveniently located warehouse. Strangely, even though the package was clearly in the general vicinity, I was informed that it would not be available for pickup until Friday.

Today, I logged on and checked the status of my package. Here's what the website said:
STATUS: WILL PICKUP AT UPS

Date	Time	Location	Activity
Oct 29, 2003	11:03 A.M.	NEW YORK, NY, US	RECEIVER NOT IN ON 1ST
Oct 29, 2003	10:02 P.M.	NEW YORK, NY, US	DEPARTURE SCAN
Oct 29, 2003	10:27 P.M.	NEWARK, NJ, US	ARRIVAL SCAN
Oct 29, 2003	10:38 P.M.	NEW YORK, NY, US	DELIVERY CHANGE REQUEST TO BE PROCESSED;RECEIVER WILL PICK UP AT UPS
Oct 29, 2003	10:51 P.M.	NEWARK, NJ, US	DEPARTURE SCAN
Oct 30, 2003	1:00 A.M.	LOUISVILLE, KY, US	ARRIVAL SCAN
Oct 30, 2003	4:05 A.M.	LOUISVILLE, KY, US	DEPARTURE SCAN
Oct 30, 2003	5:48 A.M.	NEWARK, NJ, US	ARRIVAL SCAN

Ah, another mystery solved. The reason for delay was that UPS decided to ship my package from Newark to Louisville and then back again. Of course! It all seems so simple now, I'm surprised I didn't realize this when I first saw the delay. Did I mention I absolutely, positively need to have this package by Friday evening?


Posted by Crash at 1:50 PM | comment

Funny thing I heard on the radio

Don Imus: "Shaq is very close to saying "Well, at least I don't have to r@pe a girl in order to have sex."

See also: Globe boss denounced after letting photo of alleged victim appear on cover [via SFM]

Posted by K-Cebo at 11:51 PM | comment

Mmmmmmmmmmm...

• Fleshbot *
• 
  
• High Noon at the clock in Grand Central
• 
  
• Vote for your Hometown Hottie!
• 
  
• The L.I. Rapper
• 
  
• Forbes has the Inside Dope
• 
  
• Man Drops Mobile in Train Toilet, Jams Arm
• 
  
• Guardian ranks the 40 greatest US bands today
• 
  
• Catholic School Girls Pummel Man Who Exposed Himself
• 
  
  
  Also, Crash has apparently made some enemies on the net with his postings. [Link]
  
  Posted by K-Cebo at 11:48 PM | comment
  
  
  

Ranking the Joe Millionaire Girls

Anique
Linda
Cat
Petra
Lina
Kristyna
Karolina
Olinda
Tereza
Jerusha
Yassmin
Johanna
Giada
Alessia

Rank em

11/11/03 Update: Not bad -- we have 3 of our top 4 still in the running... stay tuned.

Posted by K-Cebo at 8:33 PM | comment

you take your non work seriously, don't you?

• Every Playboy Centerfold
• 
  
• Imitation of Life: Eminem is a Genius
• 
  
• Johnny Rotten disses punk box set
• 
  
• Students develop file swapping alternative
• 
  
• This is fucked up
• 
  
• The Damaging Portrayal of Women in Advertising
• 
  
• There's a Sucker Born in Every Medial Prefrontal Cortex
• 
  
• misbehaving.net: a weblog about women and technology
• 
  
  Posted by K-Cebo at 8:14 PM | comment
  
  
  

Blindfolded by Black Bars

When it came to purchasing DVD's, I was a firm believer in the "widescreen" format. This belief was based on the fact idea that "widescreen" displays the film in it's original format. This was not my theory, but after hearing it countless times, I was brainwashed into believing it. As this article points out, even top film directors were deceived [or were they just part of this sinister joke?]:

A widescreen movie can be shot in a number of ratios; 2.35 is one of the more popular ones. That means the movie is 2.35 times wider than it is tall to produce a panoramic view.

Televisions use a 1.33 aspect ratio, which means the film should be 1.33 times wider than it is tall.

A process called pan and scan, which concentrates on a particular scene by cropping out some portions and blowing up what's left, is used to make many movies fill the TV screen. The result may look good on the screen, but up to 46 percent of the movie is lost.

"You're not really seeing the movie," director Martin Scorsese said in a published interview. And he's correct.

However, I can only be fooled for so long, and the film industry's time has run out. From this day forward, I will no longer be duped into believing my "Widescreen" version is superior to the full screen, no matter who attempts to tell me differently. Yes, I admit I've spent years watching movies with black lines draped across my screen. I've even attempted to convince myself that I didn't mind. Yet now I know the black bars of deception are simply a sinister trick on the part of Hollywood executives.

You are not expected to take my word for it. In fact, it's better that you remain skeptical and search out the truth with your own eyes. I will merely show you the way to the truth, it will be up to you to accept it.

If you're willing to break free from the lies, find yourself a copy of "Ocean's 11" in widescreen format. Next, either wait for it to be shown on cable (50/50 chance it's on right now) and play both simultaneously. What you will notice is the "full-screen" format is just that, the movie displayed across your entire television screen. So far so good.

Next, flip to the supposedly widescreen format. If you look closely, you will realize you do not gain an additional film on either side of what was displayed in the full-screen version. Instead, the film is cropped yet again, normally from the bottom. So instead of seeing the film as the director intended, you're really seeing a cropped version of an already cropped version. Yes, the so-called "widescreen" version is just the "full-screen" version with black lines attached.

I have yet to test this with other films, but I doubt "Ocean's 11" is unique in this regard. Somehow I feel as if my TV has lied to me.

[UPDATE: After a bit of research, I've found a viable explanation of my observations. Although most likely just another clever ruse by the film industry, thedigitalbits.com says there is a film/camera lens format that some directors use (including James Cameron), called Super 35. To me, it appears as if Super 35 films are developed in a full-screen version, and then cropped to fit letterbox. It goes on to say:

director James Cameron has gone on record as saying that he actually prefers the full frame versions of several of his movies.

If this is true, and it most likely is, then my rant above can be ignored.

So, to make a long post short, today's lesson is that most, but not all films should be purchased in wide-screen. On the downside, this will make ordering films more difficult, but (and more importantly) it means TV didn't lie. Finally, if anyone knows a website listing the format films were shot in, please post it in the comments.]
Thanks for reading,
Crash

Posted by Crash at 11:59 AM | comment

Why the Marlins won the series



Maybe now the Yanks will finally go after some young pitching instead of all the crap they've been pursuing like Boone, Sierra, and Mondesi to name but a few.

Posted by K-Cebo at 8:58 AM | comment

Lightning Strikes Twice

According to this CNN article, God has attempted to strike down the cast and crew of Mel Gibson's film, "The Passion of Christ", not once, but twice. In an exclusive interview, a senior Heaven official has told TwistedFans that Jesus is "visibly upset" over Director Mel Gibson's failure to deliver on his promise of casting Brad Pitt as the lead actor.

In the first strike of what has been called "Shock and Awe II", witnesses reported that the "heaven's opened up" and a relatively small burst of lightning hit Assistant Director Jan Michelini. After Gibson ignored the first warning, a second blast, this one much larger in size, was delivered to both lead actor Jim Caviezel and Jan Michelini (struck for the second time). Later, St. Peter, Heaven's Secretary of Defense, announced that all steps are being taken to minimize civilian casualties. However, if Gibson continues to ignore the wishes of his higher power, Heaven will have little recourse and will "send a plague upon all of mankind".

Posted by Crash at 10:17 AM | comment

Webster, Cornering the Amazon Search Market

Check out Amazon.com today. They have a message up saying:

Starting today, you can find books at Amazon.com based on every work inside them!

I bet "Webster's Unabridged Dictionary" is going to be a popular search result...

Posted by Crash at 5:33 PM | comment

iTune Music Parlor?

After reading Ape Infinitum's post regarding the Apple's Music store, I started thinking. If what Ape Infinitum says is correct, then the Ipod Music Store is not a store at all. After all, stores sell products, and, Ipod seems to be selling a service, not a product. Ape Infiitum argues that if they really were selling you the music, you would have the right to modify the format, play it on as many computers as you like, and resell it when you're done with it. Perhaps Apple should consider changing the name to the iTune Music Parlor? Or how about the iTune Music Theater? Maybe iTune Music Rentals?

Still, perhaps he was leaving something out. For the sake of our readers, I performed extensive research into this issue [read: I checked out the website]. What I found out was that you're welcome to burn CD's of your music. Now, if "You can play your music CDs in your car and on most home stereo systems", clearly there is no encryption on it. Therefor, you can then convert it into any format you like, lend it out, back it up, etc... In fact, it appears the only thing you can't do is resell it. So, as long as the price is discounted from the cost of an actual CD, this isn't high on my "Greatest evils of the world" list.

In fact, the people who probably loathe this system the most is the music industry. Sure, they have to allow it for now, but secretly they harbor hopes that new technology will bail out their business. Forget about giving out CD's. The music industry doesn't even like people listening to your music! Yes, someday, it will be illegal for anyone else to listen with you! You see, eventually the music industry will no longer pretend they are selling music and will admit they only intend to sell "private concerts". Anyone who wishes to attend a "private concert" will need their own ticket/license, regardless if the venue is in your residence. Call me crazy if you must, but remember, that's what they said about Hannibal Lector.

Next, I attempted to read the ITunes license agreement. Here's what I like the best:

4. Termination. This License is effective until terminated. Your rights under this License will terminate automatically without notice from Apple if you fail to comply with any term(s) of this License. Upon the termination of this License, you shall cease all use of the Apple Software and destroy all copies, full or partial, of the Apple Software.

Got that? Apple can terminate your license without telling you, and you're suppose to destroy your copy of the music and software. How you'll know it's time to destroy it is beyond me, but just to be safe, destroy your computer every six months or so (I know, I know, windows already does this.)

Posted by Crash at 2:53 PM | comment

Trying to find

pictures of Fox News Reporter anne craig and the model/athlete featured on ESPN's Outside the Lines this past weekend. EMAIL

Posted by K-Cebo at 10:26 PM | comment

NBA Fantasy Preview 2003-2004

With the NBA Season about to kick off it's time for TwistedFans annual NBA Fantasy preview. The notes below will be updated over the next several days until every team is covered.

You'll find predictions for statistics as well as draft position (12 team leagues). Also, here's an article from a few seasons ago that offers tips and advice for conducting your NBA fantasy draft: How to Succeed in Fantasy Basketball... without really trying.

EAST

Cleveland Cavaliers

Ricky Davis (5th round selection) will lose p/r/a from LeBron but will still put up nice numbers. (16, 3, 3) Expect Odom-esque number from Lebron: 15 ppg and either a high number of rebs or assists per game. (15, 7, 5, 2)Keep in mind that you probably have no chance to get Lebron if you wait past the third round. Expect Darius Miles (10th) to feed off James, inconsistent but a good late rounder. (12, 5, 1) Boozer (8th) was good for 10 and 8 last season and shoots a top 5 fg %. Finally, Z (4th - if he stays healthy) should put up good but slower lower numbers than last year -- you can expect 15 and 7 every night. Despite the low numbers of wins they put up each year the Cavs roster has produced solid fantasy numbers over the last couple years.

Chicago Bulls

Not a consistent producer among them. Jalen's production (2003: 22/4/4) will slide with the addition of Pippen. You'll still need to grab Rose by the early 4th though. Donyell (6th), Currie (5th)and Baxter will all be hitting the boards but that might be it. Jamal Crawford's upside might be worth an early round pick (4th) -- don't expect his preseason numbers (20/5/10) to hold up when Pippen and Rose are healthy.

Milwaukee Bucks

Expect Michael Redd (19-4-2; 5th round) and Desmond Mason (17-7-3; 7th) to increase their production from last year if they can remain consistent.

Boston Celtics

Expect Paul Pierce's stock to rise (top 5 pick) with the trade of Antoine Walker (downgraded to late 3rd) to Dallas.


WEST

LA Lakers

Prop bet: over/under 60 wins -- we'll take the under.

Posted by K-Cebo at 9:53 PM | comment

Dan Le Batard's Open Look

Great article (not available online) in ESPN the Mag discussing, not defending Limbaugh, and the "culture of hypersensitivity we've created around our games." Dan Le Batard:

We've created a suffocating climate in which the white man can't say the same things as a man of color can, a climate in which the white man is given just enough mike cord with which to hang himself."

Posted by K-Cebo at 9:02 PM | comment

Terrorist Arrested!


Whoops! That's just crazy ass David Blaine coming out of his closet box after starving himself for 44 days. David, nobody cares!


Posted by Crash at 8:57 AM | comment

Anna at the MTV Video Music Awards

click here [via apechild]

Even better --- Jelena in action.


Posted by K-Cebo at 9:47 PM | comment

Many months ago...

I wrote a sorta scathing review of Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback and wondered why the hell ESPN was adding such crap to its Page 2.

Now, RiShawn Biddle's The Usual Suspect reports (via Instapundit -- who links to ridiculous GE supporters so don't go there) that Easterbrook has been canned from ESPN for violating both the "First Rule of Business: Don't say insulting things of any kind about your boss [and the] First Rule of Media: Don't say anything remotely anti-Semitic ... when he wrote his scathing review of Quentin Tarantino's ode to blood and gore, Kill Bill and then turned his ammo on flailing Disney overlord Michael Eisner for letting his Miramax division release it for public consumption--and for being Jewish too."

Good riddance.

Also, as soon as I can remember my password I'll add rishawnbiddle to the blogroll -- wonderful stuff.

Posted by K-Cebo at 8:47 PM | comment

NBC Blows

Charlie McCollum reports that the "compelling, innovative cop drama was abruptly pulled from last Friday's schedule and isn't on the schedule for this Friday or Oct. 24. NBC says the series has not been canceled and is merely on ``hiatus.'' But hiatus usually translates to ``the dreaded place where good shows go to die.''"

Definitely the best drama on TV. NBC can expect that I won't be watching a single advert on their channel ever again if they don't put this show back on the air.

Posted by K-Cebo at 6:29 PM | comment

World Series Wager

The mayors of New York and Miami are wagering food on the outcome of the World Series.

Posted by K-Cebo at 1:17 PM | comment

It makes me so happy to read this:

"For several minutes, no one moved, not a sound was uttered, except for a few grown men unsuccessfully fighting back tears. Pedro Martnez, who fell apart in the eighth inning and probably stayed in the game too long, slumped in his chair in front of his locker, his head slumped in his hands. John Henry, the principal owner, went from player to player, issuing a comforting and paternal pat on the back. It was not the locker room of a beaten team, it was a wake." [NYTimes]

Also, check out: NY Post Editorial Says Yankees Lost and Smoking Gun has scanned a copy of the article here.

Posted by K-Cebo at 9:32 PM | comment

It's Just A TV Show, People

The "Star Trek" geek is beyond all doubts the geek of the geeks. They vastly eclipse the "student" geek, who will undoubtedly end up rich with a trophy wife on his arm. They go past the "computer" geek, who knows he must hide in his lab or face scorn and ridicule from women. Sometimes it even appears the "star trek" geek geekiness has no limits. After all, it's one thing to keep models of the star trek ship in your apartment, but it's taking things too far when you model your apartment as the ship!

[Thanks to "Alas, a Blog" for the link. Side note: If the apartment does sell for $2 million, you can expect me to begin renovating immediately.]

Posted by Crash at 4:39 PM | comment

Chicago's Most Wanted

Now everybody in Chicago knows that he's Steve Bartman, 26, of Northbrook, Ill., and that he works at Hewitt Associates, an international consulting firm in Lincolnshire, Ill. And, now they know that because of the notoriety of his inadvertent act, he did not report to work Wednesday morning. [espn]

Brokenhearted Steve Bartman apologizes to Cubs Nation.

Bartman can find solace in Florida
Gov. Jeb Bush said Wednesday an offer of asylum might be a good idea, and an oceanfront retreat in Pompano Beach is offering the man a free three-month stay, should he deem it necessary to get out of Chicago until the hubbub over the popup cools down. The fan would also receive free airfare and other perks, all provided by the Holiday Inn Oceanside Pompano Beach. [espn]

More at Waxy.org.

See also Infamous Cubs-Marlins Foul Ball Up for Auction.

Posted by K-Cebo at 8:16 PM | comment

The "Back to the Future" Prophecies

In Part II, McFly is transported to 2015. Once there, he sees a sports headline projected on a souped-up, Times Square-like billboard.

"Cubs win the World Series...?!" McFly says. "Against Miami...?!"

This October, of course, the Cubs are facing the Miami-based Marlins. But that's where the similarities end. The year is not 2015. The Cubs are not playing the Marlins in the World Series (they're playing them in the National League Championship Series). And the fishy Marlins are not represented by an alligator, the mascot that flashes on the screen in front of McFly. [E!]

Posted by K-Cebo at 8:11 PM | comment

UPS = Utterly Poor Service

Last Thursday I found a note from UPS stuck to my door. The note alleges that a delivery attempt was made for a package addressed to me. From what I can tell, this is where UPS' compentency ends.

First thing Friday morning, I logged onto UPS' website. Realizing my full time job would prevent me from waitng around for the mysterious 10:30-2 pm drop-off, I requested the package be held at their not so-conviently located warehouse. This was a simple enough to accomplish, and a response came back stating my package would be held until the following Friday. So, secure in the knowledge that my package was in safe hands, I headed off for work.

Sure enough, I returned home to another sticker on my door. Delivery attempt #2 had failed. Ok, I rationalized, perhaps the truck was packed before my request was processed. But just to be safe, I double checked the website and ensured that I had indeed requested the package be held for pickup. As for the actual delivery time (remember, it was listed as 10:30-2:00), the online report says it was attempted at 6:15.

Monday comes and goes.The package is neither picked up nor delivered. Clearly UPS has got it's act together, right? Not so fast...

On Tuesday, I decide it's time to make the trek to the warehouse. Attempting to avoid wasting too much time, I head out directly from work. Once at UPS, I locate the pickup window. Lucky for me, there's a good 10 people in front of me. To make matters worse, the genius running the show is clearly incapable of doing his job by himself.

Customer after customer approach with their "infoNotice" in hand, only to watch the UPS representative scan it and then stare at the computer. Utterly bewildered, the worker calls "Joe" on his phone, and proceeds to discuss the package's where-abouts for a good 5 minutes. During this time, he is unable to acknowledge any other customers or attempt to locate another package. Sure enough, Mr. UPS hangs up the phone and informs the customer their package "ain't in the warehouse".

"How can that be?", they ask, "I called and was assured it was!". Sadly, the only response is a mumble about "it's onna truck". Faced with the delimma of waiting around for the lost truck or going home, they cut their losses and leave.

Now, I didn't call on the same day, so surely my package didn't go out "onna truck". In fact, I gave UPS 4 solid days to get their act together. Confident in this knowledge, I approach the window. Handing in my ticket, Mr. UPS disappears to the back of the warehouse. A good 10 minutes, he returns and informs me the package has been delivered to my "Reptionist". Mind you, this was my home address, so his "receptionist" line seemed a bit strange. Additionally strange was why his computer was unable to tell him this 10 minutes ago. Never the less, I decided to head home, hoping my new "receptionist" was a hottie. After all, I've long desired an assistant, so perhaps one of my loyal female readers had volunteered. If that was the case, the 90 minutes of my life UPS wasted wouldn't be so bad (Did I mention I know missed the end of the Yankees game?).

Sadly, there is no receptionist. My roommate had come home from work early and was there when the package arrived. Since UPS only hires the best and brightest, the driver entered the package as being received by a "receptionist". Seems like a honest mistake, after all, most residential pre-war walk-ups come with a receptionist, right?

So, that's my rant for today. If you use UPS, either get yourself a "Receptionist" to handle your deliveries or find a nice book to read while you wait for them to get their act together. But if you have a choice, use FedEx or the USPS.


Posted by Crash at 2:26 PM | comment

the best part about hating people is you never run out of ideas

• ... says Dogbert
• 
  
• Disorient Express: Don't leave home without it
• 
  
• Not Tonight, Honey. I'm Logging On. Internet porn is everywhere; even “nice” guys are hooked. So where does that leave their girlfriends?
• 
  
• Bosox-Yanks Op-Ed
• 
  
• Easterbrook is a jackass
• 
  
  Posted by K-Cebo at 10:10 PM | comment
  
  
  

California Dreaming

Not that it was an option, but I've crossed LA off my list of places to live. Not only is it in California, where they're facing a possible $12 billion budget deficit that they've entrusted Governor Ahnold to fix, but now both the grocery store workers and mechanics have gone on strike, which means there's no food to buy and no way to get to a restaurant. mark my words, within 6 months LA residents will resort to farming, abandon the dollar, and return to a barter system.

Posted by Crash at 5:20 PM | comment

Saving My Fellow Man, One Back At A Time

You're settling in on the couch, getting ready to waste another Sunday watching sports, when your girlfriend proclaims it's time for a change. Having seen this situation before, you realize no good will come of it. After all, women do not proclaim it's time for a change and then proceed to tell you they are inviting their cute friends over for a little jello wrestling. No, the change they speak of means you will be parting ways with your either your time or your money, and often times, both. Timidly, you inquire about this forthcoming change.

Luck for you, she's only talking about rearranging the furniture. "Wait!", you say, "she doesn't have a clue as to how the furniture should be arranged! Instead I'll end up repeatedly dragging this shit around until she finds an arrangement she likes. My Sunday is ruined! How could this be Lucky?!?"

Simple! Get off the couch (relax, you'll be back soon) and find your tape measure. Now, hand her the tape measure and send her here. Either she'll come to the logical conclusion that the current arrangement is fine (that's why you picked it last time, remember?), or she'll become so engrossed in designing the layout that you won't actually end up moving anything (at least not today). Just make sure she doesn't decide she needs new furniture to complete her design.

Posted by Crash at 12:36 PM | comment

Caption Contest




PL-2 Gull Wing Paper Airplane
Porning Of Society
Ulyssesin audio
UK Guardian lists its Top 100 Novels of All Time list.
Eminem& Britneynews
Pottsville Maroonsas heard on MNF

Posted by K-Cebo at 11:31 PM| comment



















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