December 3, 2003

What's the fuss?

A 350 pound man, suffering from an enlarged heart, obesity, and intoxicating levels of cocaine, PCP and methanol in his blood, passed out on a white castle's lawn in Cincinnati. Paramedics were sent, who discovered the man was conscious and becoming a nuisance. At the paramedics request, the police were summoned.

Arriving on the scene, two officers ordered the man to "stay back". He continued towards the officers, took a swing at one, and put his arm's around the other's neck. The officers struck the man and eventually knocked him to the ground and fell on him. Once on the ground, they jabbed or clubbed him with nightsticks at least a dozen times over several minutes until he was handcuffed. During this time, they kept yelling, "Put your hands behind your back!". Upon searching him, the police discovered cocaine and three hand-rolled cigarettes that had been dipped in methanol, an embalming fluid.

While in custody, the man died. On the coroner's report, the man's body had bruising on the lower half, but did not show signs of blows to the head or organ damage. The official cause of death is listed as "an irregular heart beat because of a stress reaction from the violent struggle".

[ed. note: the above is "paraphrased" directly from this yahoo article]

Activists say his death is another example of brutality by the Cincinnati police, and are calling for an independent investigation. To save the Cincinnati tax payers' money while still satisfying the activists, I have decided to perform this investigation as an act of (court-mandated) public service. Here are my findings:

  1. If you are a 350 pound fat ass and die due to a mix of illegal drugs and physical exertion, blame yourself for poor judgement.
  2. When attacked by a man weighing nearly twice your weight, repeated strikes to his leg (as opposed to, say, his head) in an attempt to subdue him fall under the neccessary force category.
  3. Resisting arrest after assaulting a police officer is never a good idea.
  4. Though your grandmother claims you "was just a good old, fat jolly fella" who "wasn't violent", she probably has never seen you strung out on drugs and passed out on a white castle lawn. Her statements have therefor been disregarded.
If this is the best example the activists can find, then the Cincinnati Police Department is doing an excellent job. [14:13]  [ ]