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July 24, 2001
Sexiest Babes of the WNBA
Take the Charge!
Playboy.com announced the results of it's "Sexiest Babe in the NBA Poll."
Erin Buescher, Lisa Harrison, Sheryl Swoopes, Andrea Nagy, Svetlana Abrasimova, Annie Burgess, Lisa Leslie, Nikki McCray, Allison Feaster, and Lauren Jackson.
* Clarence Weatherspoon: "I'm ecstatic [at signing with Knicks]. I missed big shots against the Knicks, now I can miss big shots for them!" * Jason Kidd: "Beat your wife and get sent to motherf***ing New Jersey!"
* Isaiah Thomas: "CW, I'll wipe your dog's ass if you sign with me." * David Robinson: "I'm glad the Spurs kept me. I can't wait to get dominated by Shaq again."
* Patrick Ewing: "I'll play point guard, forward, whatever, just give me money!!"
* Dikembe Mutombo: "I'm glad the Sixers kept me. I can't wait to get dominated by Shaq again." * Chris Dudley: "Whoee!! Back to dominate the East Coast [this time NJ] again!!"
* Michael Finley: "Me and the Mavs are gonna get a new contract all worked out, then I'm gonna go drink Zimas in my buddy John Stockton's Limo."
* Coach Jeff Van Gundy: "I said after the playoffs that we really needed a center, but what I meant to say is that we needed a seventh forward. Weatherspoon should fit right in."
* Boston Celtics Management: "We really need to give away of some our good players and get some white people on the team." * Allan Houston: "Boy am I gonna be overpaid!! Hooah!!" * Vince Carter: "Now that Oak's gone, who's gonna yell at me when I suck?"
Twisted Cruller We Scour the Web So
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C-Webb - 123,000,000
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TwistedFans Tangled Web
Webber Reaches Deal with Indiana
In a surprise turn of events, Sacramento Kings forward Chris Webber has decided to sign with the WNBA's Indiana Fever. Webber said he will do whatever it takes to make sure the deal goes through, even if that means he must undergo a sex change operation. "I just want to be in a city that's got good soul food and where I have a chance to win a championship," stated an elated Webber, "and Indianapolis is the place to do it. Rita (Williams) is the bomb!" However, Webber's detractors believe that his move to the WNBA is simply to avoid Shaq and guarantee himself a spot on the All-Star team.
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Dilfer's Career Plans
Last week's poll an overwhelming number of TwistedFans readers told us that Trent Dilfer should retire to a glue factory and 29% thought that he should be out tossing fish at the Fulton Market.
Charles Oakley: "Trade to Chicago is Bulls*#!"
Former Toronto Raptors forward Charles Oakley has made it clear that he feels insulted by the trade that brought him to the Chicago Bulls in return for Brian Skinner. "I ain't playing for those losers!" said a distraught Oakley. Sources close to the carwash entrepreneur and snappy dresser suggest that the Bulls make several concessions likely to appease Oakley: 1) a bronze statue next to Michael Jordan's in front of the United Center; 2) one of Bill Cartwright's championship rings; 3) repayment of all gambling debts owed to Oakley by Bulls GM Jerry Krause; 4) a little rookie to smack around during practice; 5) a suit made entirely of hemp; and 6) a valet for his jock strap
