Issue #9

TwistedFans™
SPORTS PARODY

July 17, 2001

TF Medical Exclusive: Cal's Not All Iron -- Tangled Genitals Sideline Ripken

by Dr. Vulva Von Deferens, M.D.

Baltimore—Baltimore Orioles Iron-Man Cal Ripken's private agony became public last week, when it was learned
that his 20 plus years of hard work and play have resulted in a painful disfigurement. Ripken's genitalia had deteriorated to the extent that surgery was required last Friday to remove the shortstop's dislocated penis from his scrotal sac, where it had been wedged for an undisclosed amount of time. The emergency surgery took 12 hours and was performed by a team of urologists at Johns Hopkins Medical Center in Baltimore, MD.

Ripken’s Post-Surgery Penis: after removal from sac.

Lead surgeon, Dick Bender, M.D., commented on Ripken's condition, "It appears that through many years of grabbing his testicles on the field, Mr. Ripken loosened the connective tissue of his left superficial inguinal ring, which is the opening to the scrotal sac. However, I am not quite sure how his penis herniated into his weakened inguinal ring, thereby lodging in his sac."

However, EMT Yuri Andlopov was able to provide further pieces to the puzzle of Ripken's predicament. "When we responded to the patient's 911 call, we found him stuck in a pair of size 10 women's Jordache jeans. He was also wearing a purple sparkly tube top. Pretty freaky, let me tell you."

An unnamed source later informed TwistedFans that Ripken has been wearing tight Jordache jeans since the 80s. The source also informed us that Ripken enjoyed spanking himself on the rear end while wearing women's clothing, then frequently looking at himself in a mirror and shouting out, "I've got the look!"

Johns Hopkins staff psychologist, Kaiser Soze, added to the speculation that a combination of Ripken's crotch grabbing and cross dressing caused the disfigurement. "I think Mr. Ripken has some serious issues with his male genitalia," Miller commented. "I believe that he unconsciously wishes to castrate himself and create an artificial vagina by removing his penis. I wonder if this is an isolated incident with Mr. Ripken, or if it is symptomatic of a crisis in baseball. I have seen many of those players grabbing their private parts. Only someone with pathological sexuality issues would embarrass themselves in such a way and in front of national television. Consider Mike Piazza's dye job or Michael Jackson in 'Black or White.'"

TwistedFans contacted Christian-based group, Mothers Opposing Masturbation, Sodomy, Transexualism, Intoxication, and Truancy (MOMSTIT) for comment. "We believe that Cal Ripken is a poor example for the youth of today. With the $2 million in funding we just received from President Bush, we plan to launch a campaign against poor sports role models such as Cal Ripken. We must protect our children from the likes of such deviants."

TF Medical Correspondent Dr. Vulva Von Deferens has got the look.

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