SMITHWIVES, UT – Mwebe Jebe may come from a land where the sweltering sun bakes everything within its grasp, but today he is a gold medal winner at the Winter Olympics. Jebe spent minutes training for his event, the short track sack race, and the effort was rewarded richly with gold. Short track sack racing, in which speed skaters each jump into potato sacks and hop around for 5000 meters, was completely forgotten by its own officials and Jebe's competitors.
"We were so set on making the Closing Ceremonies perfect that we forgot all about it," explains IOC president Jacques Rogge. The event's officials, who double as ice dancing judges, were busy being pressured by a Russian judge hoping to get ice dancing gold for his country in the next Games. As for the other sack racers, many of them had either overslept or went to the wrong venue.
"You can't imagine the look of embarrassment I had on my face when I accidentally showed up at a parking lot 25 miles away from the rink," lamented Swedish short track sack racer Sven Voltron. "That concrete was so white, it looked like ice to me."
Alas, Mwebe Jebe was left alone on the ice, hopping along to the theme from Ice Castles. His heart pounding as he reached the finish line, the Ugandan raised his fists in triumph while a janitor cheered his accomplishment. After reviewing a security tape that captured his victory, officials awarded Jebe the gold medal.
Mr. Voltron was awarded the silver for his efforts at the parking lot, and the bronze medal was dedicated to Vietnamese short track sack racer Ken Ji Lau, who suffocated in his potato sack one week before the event.
Luscious Rosenbaum is exhausted after his efforts to cover this magnificent new sport for TwistedFans.com.
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