SAIGON, Vietnam (TF) – TwistedFans has managed to get an exclusive interview with the two Iranian athletes who fled the States after being charged with the theft of winning medals from American athletes.
"It's crazy, the whole country," said one of the two, who, if we bothered to care about the man's name, we would use, "But just because some man gets elected President, and calls our nation a part of some 'Axis of Evil', they automatically suspect us. No offense, but your country is full of shit."
"It doesn't make sense," said the other guy, "Did they even see how those French skiers were laughing it up? Not the laugh of someone mocking another's misfortune, but the laugh of someone who did something and knows they did not get caught!"
To this, both men nodded.
This accusation of the French came as a mild surprise to this reporter, who assumed they were just trying to pass the buck. However, between long quotes from the works of Thomas Hobbes and John Locke on how the American legal system is supposed to work, and a difficult attempt made by me to explain how the man with less votes can be President, the real bone of contention came out.
"Why are we here?" the first guy, or maybe the second, asked, "I mean in Vietnam? We've never been to Vietnam. This is nothing like our homeland. We live in a mountainous, desert country, and here is nothing but jungle!"
"I blame that Jane Fonda person," his partner replied.
"So do I. Why do your people not keep her on a leash of some kind? Sending us here, with a pair of gold-foil wrapped pieces of chocolate? She is not right in the head, let me tell you! She used to be an activist for Indian rights before the Indians got sick of her, and then, years later, she does the Tomahawk Chop, frequently on television."
"And her behavior. She seemed to expect we were going to stomp an American flag or something."
"Why would we do that? That kind of protest just gets people mad. It's like, say, calling two countries with close borders but known to be hostile with each other some kind of 'Axis' together...it just isn't right," concluded one of them, though I long since lost track of which one was speaking.
Clearly, these two men are guilty. Of what I'm not sure, but after this long, friendly interview where they even picked up the tab and hailed a cab for me, I can only conclude it is obviously in someone's best interests to do something about them.
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