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HOFFA'S TOMB, NJ – NY Giants coach Jim Fassel questioned Kerry Collins' manhood and threatened to bench his quarterback after Sunday's near defeat to the Dallas Cowboys.
"He's a coward, that's all I have to say," commented Fassel. While most may believe the coach's harsh words were just the result of a tough game, NFL scouts reveal that Fassel has taken issue with Collins' attempt to play sober against Dallas.
"Collins returned to pro form while tipsy during last year's NFC Championship game against Minnesota," explains one scout. "The only reason the Giants lost the Super Bowl was because the buzz from a two week long binge ran out midway through the first quarter. It was all those long ass commercials." The resulting loss drove the veteran QB to commit himself to an off season of practice and boozing.
This week, however, Collins arrived to Giants Stadium clean shaven and sober. "When we got on the field and Kerry was smelling fresh as a daisy, I knew it was gonna be a long day," said one Giant on the condition of anonymity.
Fassel chewed his QB out at half time. The team's beat reporters, who refused to be interviewed on the record for this story, claim to have heard a loud exchange between Fassel and Collins in the locker room. "After the coach cut Collins down to size, Kerry tried to defend himself. We could hear him explaining ‘There were no liquor stores open this morning coach. What the hell did you want me to do? My dog INT drank all the Kahlua!!"
A desperate Fassel then forced Collins to binge drink with kicker Morten Andersen. After several shots of Absolut and shouts of "Skol!!" Collins was ready to give a second half performance worthy of an NFC Champion quarterback. To no one's surprise, the Giants beat the Cowboys 27-24, as a result of the arm of cherry-faced Collins and the leg of Andersen, who kicked the winning field goal.
While Fassel was still angry after the game, most Giants seemed to still have faith in their signal caller. Noted one player: "He's one of those guys who, when things are too clear and obvious, he messes up. Kerry needs hisself some stiff drinks to get going. He gets drunk, we score TD's ... everyone's a winner."
Butch Rogaine, distraught by the sober efforts of his idol Collins, has offered to act as Kerry's sponsor to help him through his time of need.
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