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STAMFORD – Left out of the post season for the first time since 1998, a somber Bobby Valentine gathered several of the N.Y. Mets’ beat writers together at his restaurant in Stamford, Connecticut to announce that Armando Benitez will be replaced as closer by mascot Mr. Met in 2002.
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Above: Valentine believes Mr. Met won't fall apart at the seams as closer.
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“Mr. Met has shown he can perform in the clutch, and he’s got the scars on his face to show it,” said an emotional Bobby Valentine, while standing on top of the restaurant’s bar. “Damn, I love that guy,” the purple faced manager continued before trailing off into a slurred chorus of “Meet the Mets.” While the skipper seemed inebriated, one of his more sober coaches shared the sentiment.
“Mr. Met has performed well in the clutch,” said third base coach John Stearns. “He was there all through the John Rocker troubles, all the Subway Series games, and even back when we were the worst team money could buy. Launching t-shirts into the stands, closing games ... what’s the difference?”
The change comes at a time when Benitez, a serviceable regular season closer, has shown himself to be utterly useless in big games played at any yime of the year. “I an goeen to be rooting for papi,” said Benitez, voicing his support for his replacement while unleashing all the gas from several propane tanks outside the eatery.
Although Mr. Met seems unflappable, there are several questions still unanswered. For one, he is a poor fielder. In addition, the long-stilt kick in his wind up makes the mascot a prime target for base runners to steal on. And then there is the unsolved mystery of how he got all those stitches on his head.
“We are confident that Mr. Met can get the job done next season,” said G.M. Steve Phillips, in between slow dances with Valentine in a quiet corner of the restaurant. “He’s got that deceptive release from his big white-gloved hand. It’s really hard for hitters to pick the ball up.”
Despite the optimism of management and the apparent support of Benitez, one still wonders how the rest of the team will respond. Mr. Met is not a member of the players' union. In addition, during the last strike, he was a scab who tried out for several positions in spring training before being cut at the last minute. To make matters worse, Mr. Met has been very reclusive, avoiding the team’s clubhouse at all costs. He doesn’t even use the regular team trainer for his injuries, instead opting for groundskeeper Pete Flynn to make adjustments to the seams in his head and his plastic eyeballs.
How do Valentine and Phillips answer these issues? By singing “Strangers in the Night,” while swaying under a disco ball. Let’s go Mets!!
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