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This week, TF reveals its mock version of next year’s NFL draft. Based on our research, NFL teams will likely follow the lead of the Carolina Panthers and seek "more experienced" players. We have tracked down the names of ten seniors (in retirement communities, not colleges) who are likely to take the field in the near future.
1. Col. Cletus Marshall Pos. QB Evergreen Terr. Old Age Home
Analysis: He hasn’t led a team to glory since Korea, but I’m betting that Chicago will take him in a flash. Age 73. (U.S. Army retired)
2. Ed “Speedy” Goras Pos. QB YMCA
Analysis: Will benefit from new NFL rule allowing “over 50" QB’s to ride motorized scooter while in the pocket. Age 56.
3. Moishe Herskovits Pos. QB Moishe’s Bakery
Analysis: Triple-jointed shoulder allows him to mesmerize opposing defenses with strange and deceptive underhand passes. Age 62.
4. Klaus Benson Pos. QB Boca Raton Retirement Community
Analysis: He may be 80, but there are parts of him that belonged to cadavers half his age. Age 81.
5. Bob Wojoleriak Pos. QB Senko Nursing/Funeral Home
Analysis: We think that this year he may be on the brink of a big season ... or a heart attack. Either way, it should be a fun year for whoever picks him. Age 72.
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Above: (r-l) Benson, Herskovitz, Montana and Reynolds at training camp in Boca.
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6. Burt Reynolds
Pos. WR Boogie Apartments
Analysis: Hands so good, it’s like this receiver’s got hair piece glue on them. Age 65.
7. Tony Montana
Pos. QB Tony’s Real Estate
Analysis: Unemployed real estate agent’s dislocated ankles may give him enough moves to avoid getting face slammed into the turf. Age 62.
8. Les Schwartz Pos. RT Library of Congress
Analysis: Big rear end and inflamed prostate make him ideal blocker. Age 57.
9. Rev. Ewert James, S.J. Pos. TE Ewert’s Soup Kitchen
Analysis: This retired exorcist has excellent hands and superior blocking ability. Age 72.
10. Don Mazola Pos. FB Little Rock (Ark.) Trailer Park
Analysis: Samoan ex-wrestler (formerly known as “Thunderchief Don Mazola), his jiggling man-breasts, visible even through his padding and jersey, will mesmerize defenses. Age 64.
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