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Tues, Aug 21, 2001

  Vegas Franchise Prepares to Enter NFL in 2002

Finally, a team we can bet on!

by Butch Rogaine

MERV GRIFFIN'S RESORT & CASINOThe NFL has announced plans to expand play to Las Vegas, Nevada, where a new team, the Sharks, will enjoy its inaugural season in 2002. While the announcement, made by a nervous commissioner Paul Tagliabue, is expected to provide added excitement and tourism to Nevada, there is already controversy surrounding it. Specifically, accusations of the influence of organized crime on the transaction.

The Nevada SHARKS

     The League chose Vegas without even giving notice of any interest in the site and sold the rights to the new franchise to a single bidder. As far as anyone knows, the team was created and bought overnight!

     Such mysterious circumstances are a portent of possible criminal involvement in the deal, according to one TwistedFans.com source who believes the NFL is about to find itself waist deep in organized crime. Our informant, currently participating in the witness protection program, points to a period last week when twenty team owners went on a gambling binge that resulted in a collective $600 million in debt across three of the town’s casinos.

     “They didn’t have dat much cash wit dem,” noted the source. “Dat commish Taglaboo, he brokered the whole deal. Da boys runnin da casinos was gonna forgive da debt in return for a good deal on a new NFL team.” The Sharks were sold for a mere $100 million to Piccolo Waste Management Co. of Howard Beach, N.Y., believed to be a close acquaintance of several casino owners linked to organized crime.

     Although the team has announced former Miami Dolphins player Nick Buoniconti as its GM, our source suggests that Genovese family crime boss Vincent “the Chin” Gigante will in fact be calling the shots from his federal prison cell in Fort Worth, Texas. “Hey, Nevada’s a desert, you ever seen any sharks there?" In addition, the team’s helmets feature a shark partially wrapped in newspaper and wearing a fedora ... and then there are its cheerleaders. Styled as an urban version of the Dallas Cowgirls, the troupe consists of several exotic women (from Bensonhurst and Bayridge, Brooklyn) dressed in wonderbras and 50's style poodle skirts. [Piccolo has already commissioned the Aqua hair spray company to construct an airtight room filled with hair spray mists through which the ladies may conveniently walk before each game]. Mob or no mob, we’ll be betting on the Sharks next year.

Butch Rogaine
in no way endorses gambling over the internet and has never been charged with raqueteering or lonesharking. 
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