About Us Contact Info Feedback Injury Pool

Tues, Aug 21, 2001

  We’ve Got Your Sports Movies Right Here!!

Where are this year’s cool sports movies? There are none! But fear not, we’re working on some scripts that should be at a theater near you real soon.

by Luscious Rosenbaum

Welcome to the Clubhouse, directed by Todd Solondz: In the not too distant future, Tom Cruise plays a homosexual San Francisco Giants bat boy. Known only as “Short Stump,” he gets a few whacks during batting practice and impresses the team’s Lasorda-like manager, portrayed by Marlon Brando. Stump soon wins a job as a utility player and goes on to help his team reach the World Series. Also starring Cuba Gooding Jr. as Cruise’s gay lover/agent; Vin Diesel as an opposing pitcher; Courtney Love as a whore; Kevin Costner as a hot dog vendor; Also featuring Bill Paxson; Bill Pullman; and Jeff Daniels.

Jim Thorpe
A scene from Spielberg's "Guam Glory"

Guam Glory, directed by Steven Spielberg: True story of the 15 or so American troops who were POW’s for 10 hours during the U.S. invasion of Guam. Held in captivity under gruesome conditions (no mosquito nets or air conditioning), they band together to play a football game against their captors. To some it was a way to kill time until the invasion was over, to others it was a triumph of American spirit over oppression. Jim Carrey portrays the sinister POW camp warden Major Gomez; Ed Norton is QB/Corporal.Kushner; Also starring Ashton Kutcher, Jason Biggs, Jason Priestly, Johnny Depp and Matt Damon as stupid American troops.

Stadium!!, directed by Wolfgang Peterson: Psycho killer Jeffrey Jones (Paul Reubens) and his band of terrorists hold hostage the 40 fans attending a Padres-Cardinals game at San Diego’s Qualcomm Park. Demanding that the stadium’s name be changed back to Jack Murphy Stadium, Jones’ crew don’t know what kind of trouble they’ve just gotten into. Russell Crowe and Mel Gibson play Qualcomm security guards who systematically begin freeing each stadium section of terrorists. Also starring Jamie Lee Curtis as the spunky memorabilia vendor who helps the two Aussies out by supplying them with ‘mini bats’; Seth Green, Drew Carey, Tommy Lee Jones and Phil Collins as terrorists (Collins also composed the score); Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen as twin girls who die getting shot out of a t-shirt launcher in the awesome opening sequence of the movie; 40 people wearing paper bags over their heads as S.D. Padres fans.

Driving Mr. Zimmer, directed by Spike Lee: Pop diva Brandy is a college girl looking for a summer job. She ends up driving Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer around in his 1958 Studebaker. The two share a tense relationship put under the test when an errant baseball fells the aging Zimmer during a game. Faced with caring for the old man, Brandy learns to appreciate him and the two eventually share a tender romance. However, they realize that their love can never be – he can’t afford the Viagra and her friends and family won’t accept their age difference. In a bittersweet ending, Brandy meets the younger man of her dreams (Michael Douglas) and is led down the aisle by none other than Zimmer.

Texas Rangers Massacre, directed by Scott Boras: Rangers owner Tom Hicks (himself) runs around the country bidding against himself to acquire every free agent slugger around.

Luscious Rosenbaum was originally slated to play the part of Ryan Dunne in Summer Catch until it was learned that he couldn't perform in front of Jessica Biel. 
Email this story to a friend Back To Top

Issue #13

Vegas Franchise Prepares to Enter NFL in 2002

Boras Runs Over Crowd With Humvee
New Ranger Lindros Suffers Concussion at Press Conference

Snyder Psyches Up Skins Fans For NFL Blitz 2001 Super Bowl Run

X-Games Park Gold Medallist Crisman DQ'd after Posing Nude in Playgirl








Home | Subscribe | Contact Us | Archive | Feedback | Privacy Policy
Copyright © 2001 TwistedFans, LLC, ARRAWR.