Minnesota Twin Defers Money So Team Can Buy Dugout Heater



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Issue #44

MINNEAPOLIS, MN –  Twins outfielder Jacque Jones today deferred $600 of his salary in an effort to help the team buy a dugout heater for the long Minnesota nights they will spend in the cavernous Metrodome. 

     Despite the protests of Players Union head Donald Fehr, Jones, who is being paid $850,000 this year, believes his act of kindness is justifiable. "I wanna win," said the dimunitive, light hitting outfielder. "Being at a comfortable temperature is the first step in becoming a winner."

     Minnesota management was pleased with the act of loyalty. "We have a small market budget. Jacque will be rewarded one day ... I don't know by whom, but he will be rewarded," noted Twins owner Carl Pohlad, sitting in a pool located in the rear of his mansion in West Palm Beach, Florida. "We need more guys like him."

     When asked if he plans on springing for an air conditioner in the summer, Jones seemed less enthusiastic. "All I want is for us to be above .500, not the playoffs. Let Radke buy the AC. Besides, I'm hoping they trade me before it gets too hot."

by Luscious Rosenbaum

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