Columbus Goalie Has a Beautiful Mind



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Issue #44

     Marc Denis, goaltender for the last place Columbus Blue Jackets, has been diagnosed with the same mental affliction that has dogged Nobel Prize winner John Nash, whose plight was dramatized in the film "A Beautiful Mind." "He is experiencing paranoia and fits of anxiety," says coach Dave King. According to King, Denis believes his own team is conspiring against him and wants him to lose as many games as possible. "I am a goal tending genius," he has been heard shouting to himself over and over, between chugs from the water bottle he keeps on top of the net, where he also keeps such condiments as lime wedges and olives.

    However, Denis' high goals against average may be more a product of his own doing rather than any spite on the part of teammates. For example, he refuses to stand within the crease, instead opting to hunch over behind the goal net with one hand on each post, shifting it from side to side during the games. "The ice in the crease is very hot ... it burns my feet," explains Denis. "The rules are all stacked against me. I should be able to move the net if there's a puck coming."

    Guiding Marc Denis through this difficult time is his purported faith in what he calls ‘the Zamboni God.' "I was near the crease during practice, and ice began to scald the soles of my feet," notes Denis. "The Zamboni god came out of nowhere. He smote mine enemy and ravaged the ice with his teeth!"

    As teammates helped carry Denis off the ice, he quickly knelt at the Zamboni's divine presence. The goalie then spilled some of the "water" from his plastic bottle to the ice in Zamboni's honor, before chugging the rest down. "I am a goaltending genius ... genius!"

Butch Rogaine

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