Pro-Athletes' Wives Hire 
Tawny to Kick Butt



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Issue #44

Kitaen geared up to pummel Kidd.
     Tawny Kitaen emerges from the darkness of the Newark night, her stiletto heels cutting through the fog. She is scouting one of her "client's" husbands. Almost instantly, Kitaen falls on top of Jason Kidd, slashing at his face with her tiger-like Lee Press-On nails. Before Kidd can raise a hand, the former star of Bachelor Party has bound both of the Nets point guard's arms with her Gucci belt. Kitaen then begins pummeling the MVP-hopeful with her Prada purse. 

     "I keep it loaded with billiard balls," she confesses an hour later, over an eventful dinner at a local diner. "What do you expect me to keep in there? Tampax?"

     Kitaen is aggressive in everything she does in life. She tears at her hamburger and crushes a napkin into submission. It is clear the former model needs to vent at all times ... especially when her husband, Indians lefty Chuck Finley, is around.

     Not surprisingly, Tawny has become something of a role model among athlete's significant others. After having ruthlessly beaten her own husband, she has an instantly recognizable resume. "Chuck didn't beat me, but he deserved to be beaten," she notes. "We were driving and he looked at me funny during one turn. Yeah, maybe he was just looking at the side view mirror, but I couldn't count on that. So I pierced his foot with one of my heels and smacked him around. I'd do it again!"

     During the week after the tussle, wives and partners of male athletes began enlisting the former actress and model. Jourema Kidd was her first client. "They had reconciled, but I was there just to make sure he understood her viewpoint. Another smack and he was gonna be more than divorced. I had to whup his ass," notes Kitaen.

     Then came Rita Ewing, ex-wife of Patrick. "He didn't do anything to his ex-wife, but she just wanted him bitch slapped," explains Kitaen. "I can certainly understand that."

     The legend of Kitaen's prowess has grown such that her beatings of athletes may itself soon become a spectator event. "I'd pay to see her tussle with Steffi [Graf] and uphold Andre's manhood," says one fan, known only as "Stephen," while roaming through one of many Tawny Kitaen chat rooms that have sprung up across the web.

     When asked for an opinion of her newfound popularity, Kitaen comes across as very proud of her life's work to date. "Guys have gotta understand: when they get off the field, we hold the balls."

by Butch Rogaine

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