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Free Agent Bonds Kidnapped by Golden Gate Bridge Troll


Tues, Dec 11, 2001


Issue #27


SAN FRANCISCO, CA National League MVP Barry Bonds was accosted by the Golden Gate Bridge troll last night, when he did not know the answer to the creature's riddle.

    The incident began when Bonds and a posse of friends were riding from Oakland to San Francisco. After driving halfway across the Golden Gate Bridge, they were surrounded by one or perhaps two of the bridge's trolls.

    Bonds immediately called agent Scott Boras using his cell phone, and took part in a conversation that Boras summarized for the police and media..

    "I heard shrieking, and the pitter patter of little feet. I'm not sure how many. But I heard one voice constantly taunting Barry by gleefully shrieking his name over and over," explained Boras.

    The culprit is believed to be a troll named ‘Lonergan,' who has lived beneath some of the bridge's rafters since the early 60's. "He's never been a problem before," notes local man Jim Witherspoon. "Back in ‘68, he got so hopped up on acid, mushrooms, halcyon, meth, and some other stuff that he fell into a coma. You'd just see him lying under the same rafter every time you crossed the bridge. Now I guess he's awake and annoyed."

    The kidnapping has caused Bonds' stock to drop considerably among teams in the market for a power hitting outfielder. "Not only is Barry going to be traumatized whenever we find him, we now also know he's an idiot," said one NL scout who wished to remain anonymous. "He couldn't answer a stupid riddle."

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