WASHINGTON, DC – This past Monday, former heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali appeared at a Washington press conference, where it was announced that he will serve as Afghanistan's new president.
Ali was wheeled to the podium on a hospital gurney operated by Hollywood star Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett. "I am the greatest!!" screamed Smith, who stood hidden behind Ali while Pinkett used her index finger to flap the boxer's lips up and down as though he was speaking. The former Fresh Prince, who many in Hollywood have coronated the ‘black Tom Hanks' and the ‘Asian Christopher Walken,' had a dazed look in his eyes and did not respond to any questions that were asked of him.
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Above: Can the real Ali please stand up? Maybe he can't.
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Instead, he answered those inquiries directed at "the Champ," accompanied by more manipulations of Alis's lips by Pinkett. [Suspiciously, the conference, called by Smith's public relations assistant, involved absolutely no representatives of the Northern Alliance or members of the U.S. military brass].
When asked why the Alliance would select someone with absolutely no knowledge of politics as its new leader, Smith proceeded to raise both of Ali's arms and give out a huge cry while Pinkett kept the Champ's mouth open. "I am the greatest!" Smith screamed again. Ali attempted to resist the manipulation, but the spindly Pinkett restrained him with one hand. Smith then slapped a towel on Ali's head and placed a machine gun under the boxer's arm so that photographers could capture him in a rebellious pose.
When a reporter asked Ali how he plans to help Afghans recover from several centuries of violence, Smith responded "I am going to have my good friends Will Smith and Cat Stevens write a new national anthem for Afghanistan!" After a half hour of question and answer sessions, most members of the media remained skeptical as to how credible the conference was.
However, TF senior staff writer Butch Rogaine was able to secure an exclusive one on one conversation with the real champ when Smith and Pinkett dumped him in a janitor's closet after the conference. "I don't want to go to no Afghanistan," he said in a soft and barely audible voice. "No Afghani has ever done anything to Muhammad Ali. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone who never done nothing to me or rule any peoples that didn't do nothing to me." Ali did, however, later confess a desire to fight Lennox Lewis in Afghanistan or any other country "for the money."
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