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Friends tell Kimble to suck their balls, literally.
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BETHESDA, MD – After watching Sergio Garcia miss a four foot par putt during the British Open, Mike Kimble told friends that Garcia choked and confidently boasted "I could've made that putt." Shortly thereafter, several of Kimble's friends began mocking him.
"Yeah, right. You missed a shorter putt for $2 yesterday" declared Kimble's roommate Stephen Lerner.
Kimble, a 24-handicap golfer, has never shot lower than 92 on a relatively easy public course close to his house. Friends say he has a penchant for saying that he could have done better than several professional athletes in the same situation.
The list of accomplishments Kimble has claimed he could do better include pitching the last inning for the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series against the Mets, making a last second lay-up in the NBA playoffs for the Knicks against the Pacers and scoring several touchdowns for the Broncos scored by Terrell Davis.
"The holes were huge. I could've ran some of those touchdowns in." Kimble says.
"Dude, they would've killed you." Lerner told to his roommate, "you're the slowest guy I've ever seen."
"Mentally slow, too" Lerner's friend, Tom Weaver chimes in.
However ridiculous the list of accomplishments, his friends are always ready to debate the possibility of his latest feat. During this Sunday's British Open, Lerner argued that it was not just a four foot putt but a four foot putt in the British Open. "The huge crowds, tough greens and the pressure of a major golf tournament made the putt much harder than it appeared" Lerner explained.
Weaver disagreed. He thought that everyone was missing the point because "This moron [Kimble] would not be two under par going into the final round of the British Open, he wouldn't even qualify. Like I said to you last time we talked about this, you wouldn't have even been in the Red Sox bullpen, you fucking idiot!"
Kimble quickly countered, "I was just saying if I was in the tournament, I would make the putt."
Kimble's other roommate, Frank Verano, thought the whole idea was stupid. "That's like saying I could bang Jennifer Aniston . . . if you put me into Brad Pitt's body."
"That's totally different" said Kimble. "Of course, I could bang her then, but this putt would require some skill."
This only brought on more abuse from his friends. "You couldn't bang Tina Yothers" Lerner said as the others continued laughing.
Michael DeMone brings his own brand of twisted humor to TwistedFans.com
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