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Lennox says, ""So I get bit once or twice. No big deal"
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MEMPHIS, TN – Heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis has announced that his strategy against Mike Tyson will involve salt, chives and some ketchup. The brusing British boxer plans to bait Tyson into disqualification by making himself appetizing.
"Everyone knows Mike has that oral fixation," explains Lennox. "He gets psycho when he can't experience something or someone orally. Just look at Evander. Mike chewed his ear off. Afterward, he was perfectly ok. The guy needs to stick things in his mouth. That beauty pageant winner learned that the hard way."
Lewis' camp has enlisted a group of high class chefs to prepare a tasty mixture for Lewis to bathe himself in prior to the fight. The reasoning is that Tyson will instinctively bite Lewis and disqualify himself. Lewis' sees no holes in the strategy.
"So I get bit once or twice. I'll get like 30 mill for a few seconds of work and nothing that a few stitches can't cure. I'm confident the refs can stop Mike before he finds dessert in my delicious cherry red trunks."
Clearly a fool-proof plan.
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Chronology of Mike Tyson's
Non-Boxing Milestones
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Long time ago: born with 10 fingers and toes
1/24/82 Hears word "ecstatic"
2/3/85 Uses word ecstatic to explain why Don King has funny hair
5/14/88 Learns meaning of word ecstatic while watching Damon Wayans make fun of him on Fox' In Living Color.
3/25/89 Secretly records failed yodeling album under name 'Hans Ecstatic'
6/21/89 Forgets meaning of word ecstatic
7/6/90 Marries Robin Givens
7/9/90 Divorces Givens after realizing that she is neither Lisa Bonet nor Head of the Class
8/24/90 Tells Givens "You are not ecstatic!" (It is unclear whether he is aware of meaning of the word).
7/4/95 Learns to spell word ecstatic; unfortunately, nothing ecstatic happens to him after this day
9/24/97 Performs in off-off-off-off-off Broadway production of 'The Music Man' in Cell Block-C.
10/31/00 Begins using word 'egg salad' to describe his elation
5/8/02 Witnesses the FDA quash his dream of a fast food restaurant serving chicken-fried children
For those interested in a complete chronology of Tyson's non-boxing life, please: insert the phrase "bought car" five times after every milestone.
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