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"We put the POWER back into Power Forwards," said a highly charged Kenyon Martin.
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SECAUCUS, NJ – The NBA's nastiest players reported Wednesday that starting after the All-Star break they will allocate over $100,000 of their personal budgets to pay league fines that will inevitably arise from their violent behavior against other players.
The news came as several players from different teams around the league have come together to announce the creation of the "Ballers for Balls-Out Ass-Whuppings Fund" (BBOAWF).
"We decided that it's so enjoyable (beating down other players), that it just make sense for us to plan ahead of time," said Chicago Bulls power forward Charles Oakley, president of BBOAWF.
BBOAWF secretary and New Jersey Nets power forward Kenyon Martin stated: "Usually, I put aside a chunk of my salary for luxury items like my personal sauna, DVD players, X-Boxes for my friends, and a brand new car for Moms. But now, I can spend it on endless beat-downs of Tracy McGrady. I get no greater satisfaction than that."
BBOAWF treasurer and Utah Jazz power forward Karl Malone agrees: "This year I wasted my money on a Porsche and 1,000 roses on my wife for Valentine's Day. Next year, I figure about 3 hits on David Robinson, 4 drop-kicks of that punk Chris Webber, and 6 Malone eye-clock specials on that bitch-ass Shawn Bradley will be the feather in my cap."
When asked why this fund was put together, Martin responded, "Look, most of the players in this league are actors. All they do is flop and all that soft stuff. I don't even hit them that hard. All we're doing is putting the power back in power forward. I mean look at 'Reef (Shareef Abdur Rahim), you think he deserves to play our position?"
And the stats back up these players nasty attitudes. For example, with his latest flagrant-1 call, Kenyon Martin now has 5 flagrant points this season. If he receives one more flagrant foul, he will earn an automatic one-game suspension. President Charles Oakley is the only other player to already reach that total.
League officials are already outraged at the questionable moral tenets of the BBOAWF, saying that such tactics would damage the competitive spirit of the game.
But BBOAWF contends that's just not true. "Ain't no way the league's gonna tell me how to spend the money that Tyrone Hill owes me," said an irate Oakley. "If they think they can, I'm gonna learn how to play hockey real quick. Those shylocks in the NHL need some color in they rainbow anyway."
In other news, the Dallas Morning Star is reporting that Mavs Owner Mark Cuban has offered to pay the fines of any players who put the beat- down on the league's referees. And the Denver Evening Post has reported that ex-Nuggets Head Coach Dan Issel is allegedly in talks with BBOAWF to sign on as a verbal abuse advisor.
K-Cebo Satashi is a certified NBA Fine Insurance provider while Willy P. Ondabich have just learned that Jahidi White, although a center, may become an honorary member for his head-but of Cav's Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
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