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Braves will look to Johnny Rebel for inspiration.
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DECATUR, GA – Atlanta Braves GM John Schuerholz, hoping to jump start his sluggish team, fired its mascot today. "The name ‘Braves' is cool, but the Brave himself was just too depressing," lamented Schuerholz. "He kept chanting monotonously between innings. I think he lulled our fans and our team to sleep. This was a difficult decision to make, because the Brave had been a member of our team for many years. Nevertheless, I'm sure people will learn to love his replacement."
Atlanta has chosen a new mascot, who many believe will be quickly embraced by the Atlanta community – "Johnny Rebel." Dressed up in a confederate uniform and wielding a sword, the bearded Rebel is expected to lure back old fans and entertain children with his cussing and racist taunts.
According to clubhouse sources, the mascot has already had a large impact on manager Bobby Cox' decision-making. "Johnny has convinced me to sit down all of our minority players and just play the white guys," explains Cox. I don't like the idea, but this is the direction the team is going in. If I want to keep my job, this is what we must do."
Johnny Rebel's on-field antics caused considerable controversy during his term as mascot of the teams Triple-A affiliate in Richmond. During the seventh inning stretch, he hangs and burns effigies of minority players from the opposing team. He also spits tobacco into the visiting team dugout and gulps Jack Daniels in public.
While the Braves refuse to identify the person portraying Johnny Rebel, many suspect that the man under the whiskers is none other than morning TV anchor Bryant Gumbel. Rebel has declined interview requests, instead directing all queries to a babbling whore named Naomi. "Johnny ain't good at talking ‘counta he lost his voice trying to eat fire when he was thirteen," claims the whore. "But he's as bigga Braves fan you gonna find. ‘Course he don't like Injuns or any of the black, Latino or Hispanic players. Once we went to a game, and he heckled Chipper Jones for having a tan. He's funny that way."
The Richmond Braves responded to Johnny Rebel by winning just 10 games last year. However, the team's fans tended to be too drunk to notice what was happening on the field. Schuerholz hopes Rebel can bring the same joy to the Big Show.
"A night of drinking and cursing at your children in the fresh air is the essence of the family experience. We think Johnny Rebel can enrich all of our lives a little with his down home country hospitality. I can't wait to see the team's response. World Series here we come!"
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