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| Steve demands his staff, "Let's get a keg in here for the boys, pronto." |
WASHINGTON, DC – At new head coach Steve Spurrier's request, the 70-year-old franchise Washington Redskins announced Tuesday that they have officially changed their name to the Union Gators.
"Dang right we a'changin' the name to the good old Gators," said a defiant Spurrier. "We'll be a throwin' and a passin' and a-funnin' and a-gunnin' and whooooo, boy."
Spurrier and the team have successfully stacked their roster with a bevy of ex-Florida players during this off-season, including superstars Danny Wuerrfel, Jacquez Green, Reidel Anthony, and 1954 All-American tailback Jimmy "First Down" Slotz. Making the official name change was the first thing that made sense.
"I don't see any problem with this at all," said inimitable owner Daniel Snyder. "And I'm sure that our millions of legions of fans won't mind (the fact that we're swiftly turning our franchise into a college program from the South) at all either."
A major overhaul of Fed-Ex field has already begun. At the west end of the stadium, a 50-foot tall orange Gator statue is being built. Every game before kickoff will feature Wuerffel and Anthony doing Jaegermeister shots and playing the drinking game "Quarters" at midfield. And the always-popular, historic team song Hail to the Redskins is now going be called Hail to the Union Gators, Designed by Steve Spurrier, Former Florida University Coach.
"Whooo, boy, I cain't wait, I'm so excited," said a jubilant Spurrier. "Back in my Florida days we were all like a family, and now it's happening again...I'll tell ya though the only thing that upset me was when I found out we signed that boy Jesse Armstead. I called up Jesse on the phone and I said, hey Jesse, you're one of those Miami boys aint'cha? Say...who let you in here anyhow? Ha ha, I'm just bustin' ya, Jesse... This bad 'Cane blood don't sit well with Stevie. But (sigh) we gotta all get along somehow now, I guess."
Tickets to next season's Gators games are already completely sold out, purchased in bulk by students at nearby American, George Washington, Georgetown and George Mason Universities looking to expand their horizons.
"Ain't it beautiful?" said a smug and confident Spurrier. "We're a-gonna get this thing off the ground and it's gonna be sweeter than a Gator cheerleader's cherry pie!, if ya know what I'm a-talkin' about."
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