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The Devil is a Red Raider.
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LUBBOCK, TX – Satan, the Lord of Darkness, chastised Duke University and several other entities for their current use of his name and likeness in ways that trivialize his role in history and create an undeservedly positive stereotype about him and his minions. After possessing Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight, the devil called a press conference in Atlanta to voice his displeasure. "I've decided that now that Duke is on the brink of yet another championship, this is the ideal time for me to enter my protest with all of mankind," said Satan/Bobby Knight, who wore a red sweater and spoke with both hands squeezing his crotch through the whole conference.
Satan began by noting how his plight as a fallen angel had been ignored by Duke's use of the ‘Blue Devils' name and mascot. "You don't understand: I'm bad, you're not supposed to root for me or anything called a devil. I mean, God, the most forgiving entity in the universe, kicked my ass out of his crib," noted the devil, while using street lingo in an attempt to identify with his audience.
"I'm fine with white corporate America ignoring the concerns of Native Americans and making it seem as though they are little more than screaming loonies. When humans disregard each other in that way, it really helps my cause."
However, Satan quickly attacked Duke, the New Jersey Devils, Dirt Devil Vacuums, various hot sauce manufacturers and whoever coined the term ‘deviled eggs.'
"The devil is something that mankind has been taught to loathe and fear – and with good reason. I am one bad mother ... but using my name and likeness on teams generates a positive feeling about me among you all. That's just not the way of the world. Even worse, using devils on food labels and houseware products makes people think of me as helpful and tasty. I will not stand for that! And Pat Croce, stop trying to look like me!"
The devil explained that the use of his name and likeness is, in effect, an attempt by humanity to change the whole metaphysical pecking order. "You're trying to rewrite the earth's history. Humans are supposed to fear me, not cheer me," he lamented. "Most of you are singing my praises before I even get a chance to win you over via temptation. It's no fun!"
Several reporters pointed out to Satan that prison polls of devil-worshippers and serial killers showed that most did not object to the current uses of the devil's name and likeness. His only response was "Well, I am the devil and it offends me."
The evil one grew infuriated when someone suggested to him that he simply discard the title and name ‘devil' and live by one of his other aliases, such as Beelzebub or Satan. The devil/Bobby Knight left the podium, throwing chairs and threatening to change his name and appearance to something no one could turn into a team name or mascot. "From now on ... call me Krzyzewski."
Butch Rogaine enjoys a nice cold Miller Lite with his deviled eggs.
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