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U.S. Troops Working Hard to Capture Osama Bin Laden for Super Bowl Halftime Execution

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KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Captain William Calley holds an important position in the U.S. Special Forces unit stationed in Afghanistan: Assistant Coordinator of the Super Bowl Halftime Show. 

   Calley's job is to secure Osama Bin Laden, one of the key entertainers for this year's show:  "We're scheduled to execute Osama right after U2 sing ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday,'" explains the officer.

    The idea of an execution at halftime was the suggestion of President George W. Bush, an avid football fan, who has emphasized the healing powers of sports during the nation's time of crisis. "I've been ordered by the President to find Bin Laden and then have him flown over to the Superdome, dead or alive," explains Cpt. Calley.

    The show's producers will take it from there. They have planned a vast array of camera angles from which fans at the game and at home can watch the killing. "We've got a camera fixed on the sight of the rifle that is going to be used, a microscopic cam on every bullet in the rifle, and one in the sunglasses of the sniper who will do the killing," explains producer Lance Boyle.

    "And that's just the beginning. Once we get Osama, we are going to implant a camera inside of his skull and one in his chest cavity, so that everyone on the Internet can see his body devastated with bullets. You are going to see his brain explode from the inside! We are even going to put a camera inside his ass. It's not going to be on, but we just thought we'd do as much as possible to annoy him before he dies."

    And what if it turns out that Bin Laden is found dead in a cave? Or if he is not found in time?  

   "The American people still deserve to see something," says Boyle. "If he's already dead, we'll just stand his corpse up and go through with it as planned. If they don't find him, we'll pick out a look-alike from Guantanamo ... or we'll get that John Walker Lindh guy who betrayed our country. It's a win-win situation!" Indeed.