OKOBOJI, IA – The Okoboji Slackers, high school football team from Okoboji, Iowa, are mired in a 156-game losing streak and have not won a game since 1988. Their losing streak is comprised fully of games that they've lost by mainly one point margins. But don't tell ever these kids they're losers.
"We are as happy as larks," said junior quarterback Myron Kattenbaum.
"Yeah," said senior defensive end Willy Stilton. "We ain't never frownin', at no time."
The Slackers, who have lost their last 14 contests by scores of 44-42, 13-12, 45-43, 12-10, 12-9, 14-13, 26-24, 36-35, 27-26, 3-2, 55-54, 22-21, 33-32, and 65-64, do not let the streak get them down, and they remain upbeat about their chances versus the Arnold Park All-Stars Tuesday.
"We're going to win, no matter what happens" said the Slackers' chipper head coach, Billy Tailgate, a 95-year old who has been the fountainhead of the program since 1964. "These strapping young boys give me their all every week, and that's all I ever ask fer."
"If I've taught these lads anything, it's the priceless value of a "moral victory", which means you should feel good about yourself no matter what happens."
Freshman kicker Jimmy Miltsy says that "Coach Billy is the swellest," and that he "gives us free ice cream after every game. How's that for cool?" And senior offensive tackle Randy Walheim admires his coach for his "endless swagger."
Though his kids love him, local fathers, gym teachers and ex-city dwellers have questioned the ass-backwards Okoboji program and wonder if it's time for a change. Some are even outraged. One student's father, Joe Rothko, says "It's just like the Cincinnati Bengals, San Diego Chargers, Boston Red Sox, Minnesota Twins, and Jerry Krause... ain't nothing gonna change until this stupid program wakes up and smell the coffee. And right now, that coffee brewin' smells pretty much like stinking shit if you ask me."
Coach Tailgate, as always in this small town, got in the last word. "Tomorrow, I am taking the boys to the movies to see the inspiration 'Kate and Leopold,' and then I'm taking them to Stewart's for birch beer and hot dogs. I've really got these kids thinking like a team." Coach Tailgate then added, "I think that's the end of THIS interview... don't YOU, Mr. Reporter Person?"
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