QUEENS, NY – The New York Mets today announced that Chad Roach, adopted son of star catcher Mike Piazza, will serve as the team's new third base coach. Roach is a thirty year-old performance artist well known in lower Manhattan's Greenwich Village.
The move comes just 2 days after Piazza adopted Roach in a ceremony presided over by Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. "It's good to have Mike as a daddy," explains Roach. "I mean, your average starving artist has no health insurance or benefits of any kind. Being Mike's son allows me to make use of his Llloyd's of London health plan. At first it kinda sucked. I mean, I've got to fly to England in order to reach my primary care physician. But then I realized that the time and money are no problem ... my dad is Mike Piazza."
Piazza's move was lauded by one former player who was present at the adoption ceremony. "I know I already have a son and all, but if I had it to do all over again, I'd get me a boy just like Chad," explained recent retiree Mark McGwire, his eyes filled with tears.
Some believe Roach will be an ideal third base coach, because he has spent years honing a diverse array of arm and hand gesticulations that can be adapted for the job of guiding runners around the bases. In addition, he is believed to be capable of entertaining kids between innings. "Chad has s lot of experience doing tricks with balls," explained Mets owner Fred Wilpon. "He'll be the perfect fit."
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