NEW YORK, NY – New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is filling some of his employees' stockings with coal this holiday season. Upset with the team's World Series loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Boss has begun firing the people who walk through the aisles of Yankee Stadium selling hot dogs, cotton candy, and soda.
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Above: The Boss chases vendors from Yankee Stadium. |
Above: Steinbrenner tells Favuzza: "After a few drinks with the Boss, maybe you can be a Yankee manager!"
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"I wasn't even freakin there when they lost," said Ann Marie Cannovachiola, who used to sell beer at the House that Ruth Built. "I can't be bad luck, they won all the games at home." Nevertheless, according to Cannovachiola and other TF sources, Steinbrenner hopped into one of his Caddies with a list of vendors, and had his driver take him the home of each one. Upon entering every home, the turtle neck wearing owner proceeded to yell "Jeter hates you, Paulie hates you, Torre hates you, you're fired!"
"They'll just be replaced by some of El Duque's kids," remarked GM Brian Cashman. "You can't really worry too much about it, considering that someone deserving is gonna get a shot to do a better job. Hell, we might even see Duque himself in the stands pretty soon."
"I took it very hard," said Sr. Veronica Velazquez of Mt. St. Ursula's parish. Steinbrenner accidentally entered the nun's apartment with his message of cheer. "I used to be a huge Yankees fan, but now I just don't know," said a sad Velazquez. "George came in with two goons and started knocking stuff down. I'm gonna pray for that man."
The Boss was still filled with rage after firing the vendors of the field, loge, mezzanine, and bleacher sections. He proceeded to obtain the addresses of vendors employed by the Mets' Shea Stadium and attempted to fire them as well. "We kinda laughed at him," explains Louie Favuzza, a longtime vendor at Shea. "Afterwards, me and big George had some drinks and he said I seemed like managerial material to him. Look out Torre!"
Luscious Rosenbaum was pardoned by President Bush on Monday along with the White House Turkey.
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