Issue #8

A.L. All-Star Manager Joe Torre
Makes MORE New York Additions

July 10, 2001

A Tangled Web of Intrigue

by Butch Rogaine

SeattleThe Major League All Star Game will have even more of a New York flavor to it, Yankee manager Joe Torre announced. In response to the Mariners' two player advantage, the Yankees will make several accommodations to balance the power.

1) The Yankees will fly several Bronx concession stand workers to Seattle. "They have always been our great equalizer," said Torre. "The concession stand people are the reason we've won the World Series so many times."

Concessionaire Vinny Mastroantoniopolo seemed excited about the move: "Yo, I can't wait to sling sushi at the game!" The concessions people will have their names announced on the field and their pictures taken with Joe DiMaggio's corpse, which will be disinterred from a San Francisco cemetery and flown to the game. "The Clipper will enjoy the game from the bench, where he will be seated alongside Zim" explained Torre. The attendance of Marilyn Monroe's corpse has still not been confirmed.

2) Former shortstop Phil Rizzuto will be the plate umpire.

3) All non-Yankee AL All Stars will nevertheless be required to wear Yankee pinstripes for the game. "After talking to Joe, I've decided that I want to be inducted into the Hall of Fame as a Yankee," said Oriole third basemen Cal Ripken.

4) Torre's housekeeper, Conchita Guzman, will sing the national anthem. "I am berry berry happy dat I weel be abel to seeng dee song," said an elated Guzman. "I weel studee dee words on dee plane and den learn how to seeng."

5) As a condition to having his team play in the Game, Torre will require 3 men to hold Mike Piazza's head chest-high and over the plate during each at bat.

6) Mayor Rudolph Giuliani will be honorary Mayor of Seattle for the day of the game.

7) All broadcasters will have to refer to Safeco Field as "Yankee Stadium" at all times.

"I still might make some more changes before game time," noted the manager.

Butch Rogaine believes there are angels in the outfield.

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