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TwistedFans Sports Humor  |  Issue 66  |  October 28, 2002

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D-Rays Go All Out To Woo Sweet Lou

     Tampa Bay Devil Rays management is taking out all of the stops in their efforts to sign Lou Piniella to a 5 yr deal as manager.

     "We want Lou to feel like he is becoming part of a champion," said GM Chuck Lamar. "The Devil Rays are dedicated to making our club into regular participants in the postseason and the World Series," said Piniella's agent, Alan Nero. 

     Among those concessions being made include:

1) The Devil Rays uniforms will include pinstripes with an interlocking ‘N' and ‘Y'

2) Infielder Aubrey Huff has consented to legally change his name to ‘Derek Jeter.'

3) Tampa's scouts in Venezuela have signed five players named Mariano Rivera and a wino named ‘John Wetteland,' who many believe to in fact be John Wetteland.

4) The team has hired Peter Boyle of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond' as a bench coach because, according to Nero, ‘He looks a lot like Don Zimmer.'

5) They have hired Tim McCarver as their television announcer.

6) Only moments later, the D-Rays fired Tim McCarver as their announcer.

7) The club also hired a team of contemporary artists to paint images of baseball fans onto the seats in the team's dome, creating the illusion that there are people in attendance at D-Rays games.

8) All team yearbooks will contain a typo stating the team's 55-106 record in the 2002 season as 106-55.

9) Eminem, Piniella's favorite singer and godson, will sing the national anthem to open the 2003 season.

10) Finally, Tampa management has pushed forward a resolution to change the city's name to "da Bronx."

by Butch Rogaine

J.T. Snow Apologizes After Incident With Crazed Fan

    J.T. Snow apologized to manager Dusty Baker and fellow team-mates after he intercepted and subdued, who he believed to be, a crazed Giants fan about to attack the Anaheim Angels catcher. 

     The fan turned out to be none other than team batboy and son of manager Dusty Baker.

     "I didn't realize who it was, all I saw was a maniac wielding a bat standing in front of Molina and all I could think about was I couldn't let what happened in Kansas City (to Tom Gamboa) by those shirtles fans happen here." Snow said in a prepared statement. 

     Snow had no comment when later asked whether he noticed that the attacker was a 3 foot 3 years old in a Giants uniform and warmup jacket.

by K-Cebo


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