Issue #8

Record Company To Delay Release of Controversial John Stockton CD

July 10, 2001


A Tangled Web of Intrigue


The Cover Art for John Stockton's New Controversial Single "How I Could Just Push A Man"

Salt Lake CityThe release of John Stockton's debut album, "Whitetrash As I Wanna Be,"  will be delayed according to a spokesman for Nimrod Records. The CD, which caters to white suburban gangsta wannabe's, was scheduled for release on July 17 until several militia groups and members of the Lutheran Revisionist Christian Palace objected to its content.
     The first scheduled single "How I Could Just Push A Man," contains the following lyrics offensive to both interest groups: "I'm hanging out in my limo, with a Zima, looking to shoot some mailboxes with my BB."
     "Zima is the name of one of our gods," said John Jones, chairman of the Lutheran Revisionists' watch group The Alliance Against the Defamation of Zima. The Lutheran Revisionist Christian Palace, a small church in Western Alabama, is a frequent advocate against song lyrics -- made all the more difficult by the fact that it changes its beliefs every few years.

     "Our Bible is different from the conventional Christian one, because we have recently replaced all mention of wine with Zima and Smirnoff Ice. Clearly if Biblical figures lived today, they would be drinking Zima, not wine. Consequently, it is offensive to us that Mr. Stockton sings of drinking Zima while taking part in vandalism."

     The Southern Yokel Militia, based in Montana, is upset with Mr. Stockton's poor accessorizing in the song. "He clearly should not be using something as lightweight as a BB gun," said Militia lieutenant Josiah Grayvee. " We have a right to bear arms and are offended by the fact that Mr. Stockton decided to downgrade from an uzi or gatling gun to a BB.
     The single "How I Could Just Push a Man" is not likely to be the only source of controversy. Stockton takes part in several duets which may not be suitable for reception by the human ear. They include:

     "Stop Pissing on My Roof," a duet with new Jewish rapper Heminem. The song contains a sample of Fiddler on the Roof and will be accompanied by a video directed by Quentin Tarantino and starring Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.

     "Love Theme From Matrix 2," a duet with Celine Dion

     "Mailman's Got A Package For You," a duet with Karl Malone. The song will have a video, directed by Guy Ritchie, in which Stockton and Malone share an onscreen kiss and simulate intercourse with Madonna.

     "Because We're White," the trio of Stockton, Faith Hill, and Tim McGraw sing about their successes.

     "Know When To Roll 'Em, Know When to Snort Them," an instructional song on taking drugs, featuring Stockton, Willie Nelson, and Bobby Brown.

    Mr. Stockton could not be reached for comment, but his spokesperson lamented the troubles: "The delay of the album comes at an inopportune time, as our client has already committed to a trailer park-wide tour expected to begin in one week. We have sponsorship from Zima and Crossman Air Rifles all lined up. If John is forced to delay, he may also lose his opening act, Air Supply. We just can't afford that. Hopefully the lawyers will fix everything."

Staff Writer Luscious Rosenbaum expects a dramatic increase in the value of his trailer from Stockton's tour.

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