June 19, 2001


 Issue #5

Kids Disney Boutique

A Tangled Web of Intrigue
Published Weekly

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Real Shaq Found In Florida Basement Prison after NBA Finals

Rescuers were stunned this week when an emaciated Shaquille O'Neal was found trapped in
a Florida basement. When asked how long he'd been down there and who was responsible, O'Neal said he wasn't completely sure but knew the Disney Corporation was involved, since before his capture, he was shown an animatronic version of him by Disney CEO Michael Eisner, scrounged from parts from the Hall of Presidents. Shortly thereafter, he reported feeling a pricking sensation in his shoulder, and then blacking out.

                           Shaq, undernourished and sickly, insisted that it was this machine that's been playing in his stead for the past few years, stated he really had no desire to leave the Orlando Magic.

      "I got to see some of those movies," Shaq told TwistedFans™, "And, you know, acting seemed like a good idea, but then I thought to myself, hey, I'm seven and a half feet tall, and I'm black...how many film roles am I likely to get? I certainly wasn't going to be playing Hamlet or anything like that. That must have been part of it. I mean, come on, do you really think I would have agreed to make 'Kazaam'?"

The Evolution of Animatronic Shaq (© 1998 Disney Enterprises): 1. [upper right] Original Disney Lithograph entitled "Sketch of Shaq" 2. 2. [upper left] Disney photo of Shaq frozen solid in a block of carbonite; used for cast-molding 3. 3. [lower right] Disney photo of a prototype liquid metal Shaq

      Shaq went on to insist that after the Nick Nolte movie 'Blue Chips', he hasn't personally starred in any other movie. In Shaq's own words, "They were crap! Why would I wanna play a Genie? Don't even get me started on 'Steel'."

      Shaq's personal confusion extends further. He insists that he has no idea for how long he was trapped, as he rarely saw sunlight, and only the occasional carefully edited TV broadcast of a Lakers game. His captors also allowed him to view "his" movies when they were feeling especially cruel. He did have company at one point, though.

      "That Elian kid was pretty cool. I got to hang with him once in a while. Then he disappeared. But, I don't think anyone would care about some little kid from Cuba all that much."

      TwistedFans™ will continue to cover this story, from reaction within the NBA, to Lakers players and coaches, and Shaq's agent, as it develops.

Staff Writer Razor Witt is a true believer and an honorary member of the Lone Gunmen.


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