Issue #10


July 31, 2001


Christ to Athletes:
"Iím Not Helping You Guys Anymore!"

+by Butch

Salt Lake CityóJesus, Lord and Savior of all Christian-based faiths, put his foot down today and announced that he will step out of the sports limelight. "I have better things to do besides helping football receivers catch balls and centers slam home baskets. This was a very difficult decision for me, but I think society will be better off," said the letter drafted in Aramaic by Christ, translated by Don Rickels into English, and published in the New York Times, Washington Post, L.A. Times, and Soldier of Fortune Magazine.

Above: "Reggie White believes that Ewing's escapades in the Gold Club helped sour Jesus on sports."

††††† "I canít believe this," said Rams QB Kurt Warner. "Jesus was my meal ticket. How am I gonna keep my great passer rating and the Chunky Soup ads?"

††††† Former linebacker Reggie White had a different attitude: "They donít deserve the Lord. Jesus is punishing all the afletes for going to the Gold Club. Just look how old Patrick Ewing looks for a 38 year old guy. Now give me a dollar!!"

††††† Dolphins QB Jay Fiedler seemed indifferent: "It doesnít really affect me."

††††† Jesusí letter voiced a great deal of discontent over athletes trying to portray every loss and victory as a sign from above. "The fact I liked to goof around and help athletes out is no reflection on whether they are worthy of the divine presence. I love everyone, whether they win or lose."

††††† Knicks point guard Charlie Ward, who was seen performing Santerian rituals immediately after Jesusí announcement, could not be reached for comment.

††††† Phil Jackson, believed by many to be Satan, simply smirked, cackled the phrase "I win," and disappeared into a puff of smoke at the Lakers executive offices in Staples Arena.

††††† There may be enormous repercussions in Las Vegas. "Does this mean the guys who were doiní well before are now cursed?" asked a concerned Vito Scarpelli, an odds maker at the Sands Casino. "Ah hell, Iím sure my bosses will work something out." In addition, while it is clear that Jesus intends to abandon all pro-sports, the status of seasons currently in progress (MLB and the WNBA) is uncertain.

††††† Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, however, was in denial. "First free agency and now this?! Thereís an antitrust exception for our sport, we should get a free pass here too." Also unresolved is whether amateur sports and the Olympics are affected.

††††† The announcement was not a great surprise. The past year in sports suggests that Jesus was growing weary with smug athletes: the N.Y. Giants accidentally reached the Superbowl, Agassi and Graf conceived a child, and the Cubs, Twins, and Red Sox actually have a chance of reaching the World Series. However, Christís departure from the arena casts doubt as to the success of these teams. "Itís the curse of the Bambino," said Boston native Sean OíCrapnahan.

††††† Whatever the outcome, athletes are now going to have to work hard with the knowledge that only their own dedication and performance will determine their success. "Damn my wife is ugly," said a suddenly lucid Warner. "Iím goiní to Hooters now."

††††† Apparently a lot is going to be different from now on.

Butch Rogaine believes there are angels in the outfield.

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