Issue #8

Rant: Florida Marlins Outfielder
Cliff Floyd is a Punk!

July 10, 2001

A Tangled Web of Intrigue

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     Cliff Floyd is a loser and a punk for complaining that Bobby Valentine didn't choose him as a reserve outfielder and led him to believe that he might get chosen. Every National League outfielder chosen over Cliff Floyd by Bobby V. deserves to be at the game more than Cliff Floyd. As of July 4, the day All Star Reserves were announced, Floyd had 21 homeruns, 78 RBI and a .339 batting average.

     Let's see why he's not good enough to bitch to the press about his ommission:

Moises Alou: leads the National League in hitting. His .368 batting average is 29 points higher than Floyd's. Add to that the fact he hits for a comparable amount of power (18hrs) and is a similar run producer (62 RBI).

Lance Berkman: He is better than Floyd at every offensive statistic: 22 homeruns, 71 RBI, and a .355 batting average. Plus, who was expecting this guy to be this good? The All Star game may often be a forum for each League's manager to pick his own guys as reserves (see Joe Torre), but an endearing feature is that one guy who gets to the game for the first time because he has put together a career year. Berkman has exceeded expectations and Cliff Floyd.

Vladimir Guerrero: Vlad has comparable numbers to Floyd -- 20 homeruns, 64 RBI, and a .326 batting average. His numbers are slightly below Floyd's but there are 2 key factors that put him over the top: 1) he is not the paper tiger that Cliff Floyd is -- this is the first year, knock on wood, that Floyd hasn't sat on the DL with an ass strain. Guerrero is a more durable and better all around player, especially on defense 2) THERE ARE NO OTHER EXPOS TO PUT ON THE ALL STAR TEAM!! It's conventional wisdom that every team must be represented on the team.

Brian Giles: He has 16 fewer RBI's that Floyd, but one more home run and a batting average 8 points higher. Plus he's the only Pirate worth taking.

Larry Walker: There's no real point even bothering to compare Floyd to L. Walk, but I'll do it anyway. Eight more RBI, four more home runs, and a higher batting average (.343).

     Oh yeah Cliff, there's a conspiracy against you. It's clearly not your brain talking, just you and your greedy agents, who each want a share of the All Star bonus in your contract. Maybe you'd be better off in the AL, where Joe Torre would've skipped over you in favor of Bernie Williams, who missed a huge chunk of the season on personal leave.
Yeah, they're all against you Cliff. They're jealous of your championship rings -- oops, you have none. You've never even been to a playoff game, but you know that Bobby Valentine is a bad manager and a liar. All Bobby V did last year was get maximum effort out of what was probably the worst team to ever reach a World Series.

     Bobby V wasn't lying when he said you'll proabably go to the All Star game. He was being sarcastic. Bobby must be laughing his ass off that you thought he was being sincere. We sure are. Even if he is a liar, at least he doesn't suck like you, you overpaid pansy-assed, sad excuse for a baseball player!! If you were that great or even well liked, the fans would've voted you onto the roster. Your only hope is to get traded to the Mariners next year and have the Japanese vote you in. They don't know what a punk you are ... yet.

Staff Writer Butch Rogaine has Cliff Floyd on his Fantasy Baseball Team.

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