geocti A-Rod Battling Career Ending Disease

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A-Rod Battling Career Ending Disease! 

Issue #4

A Tangled Web of Intrigueô

Arlington Ė The playing days of Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodriguez may be over according to his agent, Scott Boras. The Rangers, losers of over 65% of their games, reported that Rodriguez asked out of the lineup last night, complaining of an illness. While A-Rodís symptoms match those of the common cold, Boras claims there is more to the story.

      "Alex has been working hard to make the Texas Rangers the best team they can be. He still believes that with his talent the team could go 78-23 over the rest of the season, which would put them in first place if the Seattle Mariners were to just play .500 ball from here on. Unfortunately, his sickness is serious."

      Many baseball insiders believe Rodriguezí illness is just a ruse to

Boras believes that Rodriguez' ailment may   
have been contracted from excess contact

with fans like those shown here.
negotiate a higher contract, a trade, or perhaps a retirement whereby he could collect his guaranteed contract.

      "His team sucks and now he wants out," claims one executive at Major League Baseball.

Boras, however, begs to differ. "The doctors canít pinpoint what is wrong with Alex. They say itís like nothing theyíve seen before. Snot just comes out of Alexís nose, and nothing can stop it. He spends prolonged periods of time with a tissue to his nose. Weíve been paying the most skilled helper monkeys to tear tissues into small pieces so that Alex can stuff them into his nose. As if the snot isnít bad enough, there are periods where he canít get any snot out of his nose. Itís all stuffed up in there!! Sometimes he will sneeze and his cup will pop off. I canít let Alex endanger his physical well-being by playing under such conditions."

      The agent refuses to let Rodriguez make any public comments on the disease. In addition, he continues to refute the possibility that A-Rod merely has a cold. "A cold? Thatís the same thing they said about Lou Gehrig, and look what happened to him! My office has composed a fifty page pamphlet comparing A-Rodís symptoms to those of Gehrigís. The pamphlet will show that A-Rodís illness and Gehrigís share 30% of the same factors. Some may argue that those 30% are just minor factors (headaches, indigestion) that may be common to all diseases. But hey, 30% is significant. A successful hitter only succeeds 30% of the time. Wouldnít you want a .300 hitter in your teamís lineup? I rest my case."

      Boras even went so far as to assert, on behalf of his own paid doctors, that A-Rod is suffering from a new disease called "Rodriguez disease." Whether A-Rod is indeed physically ill or merely suffering from loserís syndrome will remain a mystery for the near future. Staff Writer Luscious Rosenbaum has a rod.

  June 12, 2001 
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