May 22, 2001 

Sprewell Takes Knicks' Management Into His Own Hands...

 Issue 1


Funny Tagline
Published Weekly


PURCHASE---In yet another bizarre chapter to the New York Knicks' season – or rather off season, guard/forward Latrell Sprewell has taken it upon himself to better his team. Sprewell was reported by many to be depressed and despondent over the Knicks' recent loss to Vince Carter and the Toronto Raptors. However, few expected the turn of events that took place after the team cleaned out its lockers today at its practice facility in Purchase, New York. Sprewell is believed to have lured teammates Allan Houston and Marcus Camby into his customized Mercedes Benz, where he gently bludgeoned the two players with a tire iron and tossed them hogtied into the backseats. 

     The drama unfolded as Houston's wife Mia unsuccessfully tried to reach Head Coach Jeff Van Gundy in search of her husband. When Marcus Camby was also found to be missing, GM Scott Layden contacted police, who put out an all points bulletin on the two players and Van Gundy.


Not My Dog!

     Things became clearer when New Jersey state police found point guard Charlie Ward lying in a ditch near Moonachie. Ward explained that he and Van Gundy were discussing the previous night's game, and that Sprewell heard the two arguing and approached them in a Rage. Van Gundy is alleged to then have knelt behind Ward's legs so as to assist Sprewell in kidnapping and stuffing the guard into Sprewell's car trunk.

     Based on Ward's account, throughout which he referred to Van Gundy as Judas and Sprewell as the Romans, they all traveled to "Cavalry" a Manhattan apartment belonging to Chris Webber, where they accosted the forward's beloved pit bull dog "Lil' T.O.," using Ward as bait. They then threw the dog and Ward into the backseat, where Ward noticed Houston and Camby and set out for a hotel in East Rutherford, where Ward claims that Sprewell tortured him after much pleading and prayer from Ward.

     "Spree was sitting in a chair, and coach was braiding his hair while Spree screamed all kinds of un-Christian profanities at me. He sprayed lighter fluid at me and yelled ‘Dance Little Man.' Then he threw a match at me and my clothes started to burn. Coach then put the fire out by urinating on me. Coach scared the hell out of me. He had this little sadistic laugh and ended every sentence with ‘isn't that right Spree Dog?' But I have to thank Jesus for being alive. While coach and Spree were drinking malt liquor in the other room, I decided to make a break for it. I used a gold crucifix – just like the one the Jews used to kill Christ to cut through the rope around my wrists. I jumped out a third floor window and hobbled as far as where the cops found me."

     It is believed that Sprewell accosted the three players and dog with the hopes of pressuring them and Chris Webber into agreeing to a sign and trade with Sacramento. When the FBI made contact with "Spree" at last via his cellular phone, he denied knowledge and information concerning the whereabouts of Houston and Camby.

     However, a clearly belligerent Van Gundy could be heard in the background singing "Spree Dog is the man, I am his ham. CWebb I love you." The FBI plans to provide updates as more information becomes available.

Staff Writer Butch Rogaine covers Knicks Basketball when he's not licking boots in Duluth.

Copyright © 2001 TwistedFans, Inc., ARRAWR.          Masthead          Privacy Policy          Contact Information