May 22, 2001 

A Tangled Web of Intrigue

 Issue 1

Funny Tagline
Published Weekly

Plummeting Mets Look Back to Spirit of ‘86 for Answers

     QUEENSAngry New York Mets manager Bobby Valentine took his team to task after a recent loss, questioning their manhood and promising that changes will be made. A source close to the team confirms that Valentine held a closed door meeting to discuss how to improve the club. 

     He berated Mike Piazza for his blatant homosexual behavior around the clubhouse – claiming that the catcher was alienating teammates by walking around the locker room wearing nothing but a feather boa around his neck. On a related note, Piazza's on again - off again relationship with Mike Hampton, who is married, is claimed by many to have been a factor in the pitcher's departure to Colorado.

     Valentine then pointed to the World Series Champions of 1986 – of which he was a coach – as a means of inspiration. He and first base coach Mookie Wilson laid out a plan to revitalize the team:
          1) The rosin bags at Shea will be filled with cocaine.
          2) David's Sunflower Seeds will be replaced by Julio's Methamphetamines.
          3) All Gatorade coolers will contain 50% orange Gatorade and 50% skyy vodka.
          4) Footwear will be optional for starting pitchers after their first time through the batting order.
          5) Players will be prohibited from entering onto the field without a lit cigarette or doobie.
          6) The bullpen garden, famous for its tomato crop, will also grow marijuana.
          7) During the 7th inning stretch, the grounds crew will bring out a trough of crack for players.
          8) Team trainer Fred Hina will teach hypodermic needle use and safety to all interested players.
          9) Bat boy ‘Joey' will be replaced by a midget named ‘Pablo' carrying a pouch at his waist.
          10) To encourage civic pride, and reclaim some of the dwindling fan base, players will take part in one                 of two programs:
               a) "Hold My Foul Balls" -- On designated days, any player fielding a foul ball must give it to a female                      fan and then at least get to third base with her. In lieu of any New York statutory rape laws,                      players must only observe the rule "if there's grass on the field, play ball." This program will not 
                   be held on Senior Citizen discount days.
               b) "My Hero(ine)" -- On Friday nights after games played at home, players will sacrifice their night                      lives for the sake of the city. They will instead shoot up on heroine and drive yellow cabs in search                      of drunken or otherwise influenced individuals in need of a free ride home.

     The source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, stated that Valentine is also considering having the team play without bats after the 5th inning – instead allowing hitters to smack pitches with their open hands and also field balls without gloves.

Staff Writer Butch Rogaine covers New York Methamphetamines baseball when he's not tipping cows in Milltown, NJ.

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