June 5 , 2001

PETsMART.com Specials

 Issue 3

A Tangled Web of Intrigue™
Published Weekly

Martin Permitted Use of Roadster VT on PGA Tour

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Supreme Court ruled last Tuesday by a 7-2 decision that disabled golfer Casey Martin will be granted the use of a 2001 Lamborghini Diablo Roadster VT at all professional golf tournaments. Martin, 28, who suffers from the rare circulatory disorder Klippel-Trenaunay-Weber Syndrome, was elated by the decision.

     "Martin's condition is thoroughly debilitating, both physically and emotionally," said Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. "It's only fair that he be given a little boost of confidence--in the form of a totally bitchin', kick-ass car--out there on the fairways."

     The Diablo, valued at $287,500, and sporting a 530@7,100 horsepower engine, will accompany Martin on all future PGA-sponsored events. Martin has already completely personalized his new vehicle, furnishing it with satellite TV, mini-bar, and Sony PlayStation 2.

     A classy, top-notch escort service will also be available at all times in the vehicle's backseat. And, since Martin's degenerative right leg makes actually driving the car impossible, he has hired Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer to manually press the gas, brake and clutch pedals. Troyer will also serve as Martin's new caddy.

     "This is utterly ridiculous," exclaimed golfer Tom Kite. "I should be allowed to drive a Lamborghini, too...no, wait- make that an Alfa Romeo."

     Traditionalists of the sport argue that Martin now has an unfair advantage which takes away one of the game's most fundamental aspects. "It truly isn't fair," voiced the legendary Jack Nicklaus. "Walking 6 miles a day for eighteen holes is a part of the deal," says Nicklaus. "Getting blown by two hookers after the front nine is not."

     Martin tried out his government-issued Roadster yesterday in the first round of the Fed-Ex St. Jude Classic at Southwind in Memphis. The overall reception was quite successful, except for one scary moment at the 7th hole. Feeling his power behind the wheel, Martin, impulsively instructed Troyer to, quote, "Floor The Fucker!" This caused to Troyer to uncontrollably drive through a bunker where golfer Paul Azinger was attempting a chip shot. Azinger was killed instantly.

     "Casey is a good guy who's been through a lot, and believe me, he really needs that car," proclaimed Tiger Woods, a friend of Martin and former roommate at Stanford. When then asked about the 7th hole incident that caused Azinger's death, Woods replied, "It's only Azinger."

     Since the Supreme Court decision, golfers with all types of ailments have applied for the right to use cars on the golf course. Spaniard Jose Maria Olazabal hitched a ride with Martin after the 15th hole yesterday after being bothered by his bad back. "I am in tremendous pain, and I hope to get my car soon." Added Olazabal: "Man, that strap-on lesbian orgy with Casey's escorts was sweet."

     The impact of the Court's decision has spilled over into other sports, as well. NHL journeyman Mark Messier has petitioned the league for the right to drive a Zamboni, while the NBA's withering "stick man" Reggie Miller has been granted the use of a motorized wheelchair for next season, and horse jockey Jerry Bailey will be driving a flaming red 1964 Mazerati Mistral in place of the injured Thunder Blitz at Saturday's Belmont Stakes.

Willy P. Ondabich, who suffers from tennis elbow, has a case currently pending before the Supreme Court to decide whether his home nurse aid must manually masturbate him pursuant to the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act.


Martin (inset) and his government-issued 
2001 Lamborghini Diablo Roadster VT.
Chauffeur Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer relaxing between holes on the Diablo's "shag" rug.
Southwind's 7th hole bunker and the remains of golfer Paul Azinger after a Martin joyride.
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