March 16, 2004

Help Save Europe From the Communist (crabs)

Europe is in trouble, and only Americans will be able to save them! You see, way back in 1930, Stalin intoduced the giant pacific crab to European waters. For unknown reasons, they experienced a huge population explosion back in the 90's (just like Al Qaeda! Coincidence?) and are now taking over Europe one beach at a time! The crabs have already marched 400 miles along the coast of Norway, devouring everything in their path. Many think nothing can stop them... but they're wrong!

Never in the history of the world has there been a foreign problem more perfectly suited for American intervention. If intelligence reports are correct (and they always are), the crabs taste like the finest lobster. So I think we all know where this is headed...

"We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.
We're just the guys to do it.*"
That's right, it's time to use America's natural resources to step up and fight the good fight for our allies! Forks in hand, we'll send the largest (seriously) army ever seen to reclaim Norway's coast. And when it's all over, Europeans will never again mock us as fat & lazy Americans!

[* All patriotic Americans know this quote is taken from "Animal House"]