Baseball Scandal: Ump Accused of Making Sexual Advances On Helpless Major League Players



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Issue #43

     "Would you like me to rub your balls in Delaware mud," umpire Yuri Hout is rumored to have asked young Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Ben Sheets. "That's how it begins," explains one retired baseball player, of the sexual advances made by baseball's umps. "They get to you when you're a rookie. You're afraid to say anything because you're worried that they might not give you the right call."

     Tens of baseball players each year report having to endure such demeaning and intimidating behavior. League executives have begun investigating its umps, especially Yuri Hout.

     "He puts his hand on my back before each pitch, and I'm convinced he keeps sweeping home plate just to get a look at my crotch," says one anonymous catcher, who wishes to be known only as ‘Mike Piazza.'

     "I was just checking on his equipment," counters Hout, when confronted with the accusation.

     "Major League Baseball has known about these horny umpires for a century," explains one well embedded mole. "The Commissioner's office investigates player allegations and, if there is substantial evidence of harassment or abuse, the umpire is sent on leave." Usually, accused umps take sabbaticals and officiate in the minors or Little League, where they can't hurt anyone.  

     Despite these efforts, the allegations keep coming, especially regarding Hout, who has been sent  to the minors ten times in the past three years. "Yuri Hout once smacked me on my ass when I fouled a pitch off my foot," says Phillies third basemen Scott Rolen. "I was standing there helpless with nothing but a giant bat in my hand. I never felt so helpless, so ... naked."

     Rolen has since sought counseling from his parish priest, Rev. Blindes Batt, also a former umpire. Their private one-on-one sessions have led Rolen to divorce his wife and seek psychiatric counseling.

     "I've come to learn that being a baseball player isn't for me," admits Rolen, while stroking his kitten ‘Sheba.' "I want to be an umpire."

     Here's hoping Rolen's work behind the plate will help shed light on those pudgy men in black and grey.

Luscious Rosenbaum

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