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Tues, Oct 30, 2001

New Agassi-Graf Baby Has Striking Resemblance to the Wolf Man


by Butch Rogaine

FRANKFURT, GERMANY Women's tennis star Steffi Graf gave birth to a healthy child that perhaps looked like its father circa 1990. Covered in facial hair, sporting a pony tail of frazzled bleach blonde hair and screaming like Monica Seles during a serve, the child shocked many hospital onlookers. Its fangs gave the child a fierce appearance that made the couple's choice of name, "Wolfgang," quite fitting.

Buzkashi: Taliban Goat-Grabbing Fantasy Leagues Taking Off

by Razor Witt

Twisted Wire After a report on ABC news about the Afghan national sport of goat-grabbing, Fantasy Leagues have begun to spread all over the Internet.

"Yeah, I'm all for it," says Herb Schark of Vendeberg, Kansas, "I thought this sport could be the wave of the future, and anything to nurse my gambling problem can't hurt."

The sport, whose name when translated to normal English means "goat grabbing", is played a lot like polo, with two teams riding on horseback attempt to place an object in a goal area. However, unlike polo, which is played with a mallet and a small ball, Afghans use a freshly-killed goat carcass, which they wrestle away from opposing teams.

Above: Recent bombings have effected some fantasy squads.

"Hey, I've been doing great," Frank Vincente of Brooklyn, New York, reported, "I can't pronounce the name of a single guy on my fantasy team, but what the hell do I care? I'm an American, I don't need to learn how to speak no foreign language, they should learn our ways."

Such concern for foreign cultures aside, Vincente was proud of his starting line-up scoring 14 points last week in Fantasy play compared to his opponent's 9 points.

Indeed, some Fantasy players are finding conflicting views on this sport.

Jack Bokowski of Pittsburgh, PA, summed it up best: "I hate that bin Laden guy, and I want his head on a pike, but if it weren't for him, we wouldn't have had the news spotlighting Afghanistan and we wouldn't have found out about this fantastic new sport that's sweeping the nation. So, like, should I be glad the guy's out there or what?"

TwistedFans has learned that an American Goat Grabbing League (AGGL) is already being formed. However, the AGGL has a major hurdle in PETA and other animal right's groups protesting. But as soon as those wackoes are dealt with, TwistedFans predicts that goat-grabbing will no doubt be the sport of 21st-century America.

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