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Tues, Oct 30, 2001

T-Mac and Joe Buck to Wed During Seventh Inning Stretch of W.S. Game 4


by Butch Rogaine

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Come Wednesday, Tim McCarver and Joe Buck will no longer be just broadcast partners. The two plan to pledge their love to each other in an on field ceremony during Game 4 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium.

Above: Waldman noted that after their wedding, neither man will have to lug his own lumber.

     According to wedding director Phil Rizzuto, during the seventh inning stretch, Challenger the Eagle will leave his center field perch and swoop down to home plate, where he will deliver the couple’s wedding rings to them. “Challenger is a symbol of all that is right with this great country of ours, so it’s only fitting he take part,” noted Scooter. Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch will preside over the ceremony, which will be broadcast on Fox, the Fox Family Channel, Fox Sports, F/X, Bensonhurst Queens Cable Access Channel 68, and TNN.

     After the broadcasters present each other with rings and make their vows, they will join hands and run the bases. McCarver and Buck then plan to stop at home plate and execute a maneuver they call the “manbrace” -- before tossing two rosin bags over their shoulders toward a pool of single broadcasters. “I hope I catch one,” said revered butch Yankee broadcaster Suzyn Waldman.

     The united announcers will then be whisked away by helicopter to an undisclosed location, from which they will embark upon a honeymoon cruise to Haiti. Two orangutans, one a reputed angry Mets fan, will fill in at the booth for the remainder of the Series, with occasional back up support from Mayor Rudy Giuliani and local New York sports talk radio personalities Mike Francesa and Christopher “Mad Dog” Russo of WFAN.

     While the elaborate and touching ceremony seems like every girl’s dream wedding, Joe Buck expressed some concern about the public’s reaction to the event.  “Some cringe at the thought of us together ... they think Tim is too old for me,” admits the 29 year old Buck. He soon changed his tune however: “Then again, my dad Jack was 60 and my mom was in her 30's when they had me. That turned out just fine I think.”

     At the press conference to announce the union, the elder Buck seemed happy with his son’s choice. Jack Buck stood next to McCarver and stared in admiration at his new son in-law through a set of thick dirty glasses. “She’s a fine gal,” said Buck, while pinching the former catcher on the cheek. McCarver responded by giggling uncontrollably. “I haven’t felt this much love since my ex-boyfriend Deion splashed that bucket of ice on me,” cooed T-Mac. 

     McCarver, it should be noted, has been the prime mover behind every facet of the grand event. He is simply a painstaking planner and all around genius. “Timmy is out in the trenches every day, making sure that the grass is the right length and that everyone involved is well rehearsed,” said a glowing Joe Buck. “Yesterday, I saw him showing a groundskeeper how to make sure the chalk outline of the field is perfect.”

     The former Cardinals catcher could also be seen in centerfield, demonstrating flying techniques to Challenger the Eagle. “The fact Challenger is experienced at flight does not mean there is no room for improvement in his technique,” explained T-Mac, while flapping his arms violently in front of the perturbed bird. “I had to show him, based upon my absolute absence of knowledge regarding flight, how to get the job done. Hey, I do it with baseball in the broadcast booth all the time,” admitted the venerable McCarver, who once hit a homer and passed ahead of one of his own teammates on the base paths.

     Fox network executives, meanwhile, consider the spectacular side-show a welcome change to its World Series coverage. “The games are ending too early. Some people are actually still awake when Mariano is closing in the ninth inning,” noted one higher up who did not want to be identified in this story. “Also, this whole extravaganza will juice ratings and it’s the perfect vehicle for the debut of television ads for our sponsor Anheuser Busch’s new gay malt liquor beverage “Bonds Beer,” explained the excited source.

     While it’s too early to speculate on the success of Bonds Beer and World Series television ratings as a result of the ceremony, one thing is certain: there is a new power couple in the baseball broadcasting business. When asked whether their union will change them as broadcasters, McCarver express doubt about any major difference in their performances. Buck, however, said he will have one treat for fans watching his St. Louis and national TV broadcasts next season. “During my honeymoon, I plan to grow a handle bar mustache. Maybe it’ll make me look older and more mature.”

Senior Staff Writer Butch Rogaine married his childhood sweetheart, Steve Lyons, during the seventh inning of the Little League World Series earlier this year.

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