June 26, 2001

TwistedFans™
SPORTS PARODY

Issue #6

Australian Centerfolds Open Bondage Club In New Jersey

Union, NJ—The Matildas, Australia's premier Women's Soccer Team, have opened a bondage and role-play sex club known as 'The Koala Dungeon' in suburban central New Jersey, according to TwistedFans sources throbbing in pain.

     A spokeswoman for the team, with her stiletto heel crushing this reporter's larynx, explained the Matilda's rationale. "We came to Rutherford, New Jersey to play a game at Giants Stadium and had our return airline tickets stolen. We've gotta find some way to get back home." (See related story): Sydney's Idiot Savant Convention Makes Quantas Airline Tickets a Hot Item.

     The Koala Dungeon is just the latest bit of economic ingenuity generated by the Matildas, who in 2000 raised money for their Summer Olympics uniforms by selling a centerfold calendar featuring nude players. Matildas' striker Suzie Gleason was the Dungeon's mastermind, and convinced the owner of an abandoned warehouse to lease the property free of charge for one month. "Even then, we were still far from getting the business together," noted Gleason.

      As a result of the high expense of bondage equipment and costumes, the Matildas had to make due with what they had in their luggage and carry-ons. Two of the soccer mistresses, Gertie Jones and Liv Stone, punish clients by pulverizing their bodies with 68 ounce cans of Foster's beer and tying their hands and legs with Matildas jerseys. "I found that our poly-cotton blend is extra painful on the wrists and ankles the guys love it," observed Jones.

     The Dungeon also features a "Prickly Pear" room, where players stomp on men's backsides while wearing cleats. Most popular of all, however, are the Newark Catfight Nights, which involve Matildas combing the streets of Newark for local women to wrestle back at the warehouse. In addition to drawing the local crowd of perverts, several respectable athletes have been witnessed attending Newark Catfight Nights. Among them, basketball players Mugsy Bogues, Spud Webb and Mike Penberthy, as well as many superstar jockeys from the horse racing circuit.

     Gleason says that she has already arranged five pay per view events, a line of action figures, a feature on the cover of Time magazine, a web site, a Dungeon picture on the ever popular Wheaties box cover, and cameo roles in Kevin Smith's next movie. The girls are "just looking to do a little something different" to attract worldwide acceptance and fame.

     So when is the team going to finally get back home? According to one Koala Dungeon mistress, the Matildas earned their airfare and expenses back over a month ago. "We really like New Jersey," said the mistress. "It's kinda like being at home but better: there's swamps but no crocodiles." On behalf of the reporting staff of TwistedFans.com, I say "Bravo ladies, Bravo."

TwistedFans Staff

June 26, 2001

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