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Iverson Eludes Police For Two Days While Under House Arrest


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Issue #55

     Teams of detectives, police officers and canine units waged a two day search effort to bring Sixers guard Allen Iverson into custody -- despite the fact he was in his house all along.

     "The home was just so big that we had trouble finding Mr. Iverson and communicating with him," explained police chief Mick O'Guinness.

     Four different search parties scoured the mansion, checking closets, rooms, wine cellars, and bowling alleys. Initially, the authorities attempted to reach Iverson in a more conventional manner but failed.

     "My client's cellular phone plan does not cover the south side of his house," explained his attorney, Cagney Touro, when asked why police could not reach Iverson.

     In hopes of communicating with the player via television news, the authorities put in several pleas on every television network for the player to meet them at the front door on the north side of his property. They even took drastic measures, bringing in Charles Barkley to scream out Iverson's name in all of the hallways. However, the shooting guard was apparently out of shouting range and away from all of the estimated 80 television sets in his home, instead deciding to watch a movie in his private theater.

     "In no way was he intentionally trying to avoid following proper procedure," explains Touro. "We live with a legal system that puts citizens under house arrest and then cannot find them in their own homes," continued Touro. "This isn't the first time I've had a client suffer public abuse as a result of such a failure on the part of police. It's an outrage, really, and I am sure this happens to a lot of people. The media should really try to find a newsworthy story, rather than sitting in my client's home sushi bar, downing sashimi with sake. Shame on you all!"

Luscious Rosenbaum