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Reds Outfielder Adam Dunn dives for a ball against the Serengeti Zebras.
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THE SERENGETI, AFRICA –– In order to "spice things up a little bit" in major league baseball, commissioner Bud Selig has instituted all 30 teams off to the untamed heart of African wilderness to play two weeks of inter-special ball.
"Inter-species play will liven things up in the MLB during the regular season, and will open the players up to situations that wouldn't normally occur during regular season," said Selig. "And to feel out a completely different and foreign league, of course."
On the vast, stretches of savanna and grasslands of wild Africa, major leaguers will be pitted against the legions of roaming wildebeests, giraffes, zebras, gnus, and lions, which Selig coins "the Serengeti League." Vastly different from the National and American leagues, the Serengeti League has the rule of Natural Selection (NS Rule), which heavily favors the roaming, wild, and violent beasts of prey. Pitcher Greg Maddux notes, "Well I'm not that familiar with the NS Rule, but I guess it can't hurt to learn it."
This Tuesday, however, Marlins center fielder Preston Wilson learned it the hard way. "Preston was just catching pop flies during a little practice yesterday, and all of a sudden, this huge (expletive) lion comes out of nowhere mutilates his body," said Wilson's former teammate Cliff Floyd. Added Floyd, solemnly: "I guess that's why we're MLBers 98% of the time, though."
Inter-species play does favor some players that have played in the league before, however. "Back in my heyday, I played a little Serengeti League ball for awhile," said journeyman Todd Zeile. "So I guess you could say I have a better feel for, say, midnight scavenging and running for my life from stampeding buffalo than some of these other guys."
Some players are against it for different reasons. "I think it's just a major distraction, period," said Brewers first baseman Richie Sexson. "I mean, when am I ever gonna need to play on a field with horizon-length home-run markers? Certainly not in the World Series. I'm a Brewer, remember."
In the coming years Selig plans to expand inter-species play to places like Australia against the Coral Reef League, the Artic Circle against the Sub-Zero League, and the international space station against the Men-in-Black (III) League.
"Our goal with inter-species play is to keep our players prepared for anything, and hopefully to keep our millions of waning fans interested and having faith in where baseball is going," said Selig. Selig then took two Zolofts and prayed something to Mother Mary silently to himself.
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